Never Alone

I wish I could wrap my arms around the world,

Sheltering you from pain,

Softly hold you close

to share the burden,

Bring warmth through a hold of a hand,

knowing that life is like a fortress built on sand,

I see that eyes can shine with sadness behind,

A radiant smile masks stolen tears

taken from your place of serenity,

I recognize – beautiful can be broken

So I travel my thoughts

over great distance

hoping you recieve some comfort

from these imaginings unspoken.

 

Thoughts can’t change events. They can’t stop or make something happen. Where they are powerful is sharing thoughts of comfort. Let people know you’re thinking of them. It can be through a call, email or text. It’s so easy today to communicate.

No matter how far away someone can be, let them know you’re there, thinking about them. Don’t put it off or think you’re do it tomorrow, do it today, bring the world closer.

It can bring warmth and happiness.

Today, let someone know you’re thinking of them.

Remember how it feels when someone reminds you you’re in their thoughts. It produces an inner smile.

Speech for Today

Speech for today

Out of the dark comes light
Out of the pain comes fight
When we panic we finally breathe
When we’re alone inside we grieve
Take away the fear and seal your fate
Take that imagination and go create
For we are unique and we seek peace
Within ourselves so we can release
A beauty of a wondrous soul
Waiting for the mind, to finally let go

You’re always going to get the slaters
Who when louder, turn to the haters
In reality they admire you from afar
They see you act as who you are
A passionate soul who can be themselves
In today’s world that’s a true wealth
It’s ‘if I want’, not that ‘I must!’
Your voice, is the voice to trust.

The inner voice, it can encourage but mostly it’s critical or plays it safe to keep you from harm. Embrace it, listen,  but prove you are better then you show. Not for other people but for you.

When you battle the inner voice you also have to fight the external voices. The people who criticize because they can, because they are not happy in their world.
Shut off to the negative. They don’t know you. They can’t see the hunger is burning inside. It’s invisible to see but an unstoppable feeling.
Where others give in, fight. Become what you want to achieve, why not?

You can’t change other peoples actions or decisions, but you can yours.
Don’t talk yourself out of it, there’s enough people who try and do that. Be kind, be great, go create…

And Monsters

I over think

so I don’t have to feel

thats what I’m told,

I feel pain though

and hurt

from the cold,

Outside my perspective

I shut off

otherwise I get lost,

lose understanding,

hush to quiet,

Monsters are never silent,

Their voices and presence

fill me with dread,

forcing me to communicate,

succumbing to a lesser evil

rather then staying

inside my head.

Demons

I walk down this alley where the shadows make a claim,

Not sure where I’m going but the darkness speaks my name,

Left open handed with no help for a guide,

Eyesight draws a blank to the dagger by my side,

Dark becomes an enemy and the blackness blinds,

Spitting out obscenities as love and hate combines,

Impossible to stop this flow from the enemy,

Spitting out pain, screaming out blasphemy,

Still I walk like some kind of freak, Searching in hell for the soul that I seek,

Set upon verbally with emotion and scorn,

Been on this road since the day I was born,

Dispair cries out in damming distress,

‘Why doesn’t he give in to the loneliness’,

I block out the sound, use all my strength,

Fight through this painful self-made Labyrinth,

Still I trudge where caves act as a hood,

Time stands still and the Angels do no good,

Not stopping to pray, walk to nothing’s left,

Eternal damnation where peace lies in death,

Demons disperse hoping I’ll stop and relent,

Closest it comes to any kind of sentiment,

Until such weight is lifted, I’ll just fight the good fight,

Head towards the dark, because out of the dark comes light

Loneliness

Feelings of emotional pain are the same for the mind as physical pain. Toothache sends a clear message to the brain that it hurts. Its the same for the victim of emotional pain.
In my experience the biggest emotional pain was loneliness. It sent the biggest to my brain that, ‘Yep this is bad, I don’t want to be here, lets go’

Being alone is different to feeling alone. I like being alone, bit of space, bit of quiet do my thing. Sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance, but either way I like my own company. And sometimes being alone can make you crave for some company, but it’s not a feeling of despair.

The most despairing feeling for me was the feeling of loneliness. In a room with friends or family and feeling totally alone, like no one understands me, I shouldn’t be here, or I don’t belong. I started questioning if I was living in a different time or the wrong dimension. And yes, I looked it up to see if it was possible.

The feelings came from me. I’ve seen quotes online saying that ‘it’s the people around you that make you feel alone’. For me this wasn’t the case. The people around me were just engaged with others, being social. The problem was I rarely engaged first, due to fear of being rejected.
If I engaged and got nothing back or a throw away comment, this would confirm my fears; that I’m totally socially inept and ‘Why would anyone engage with me I’m a loser, a no one. In the end I would usually bolt and leave, which in affect is avoidance, which is the worst thing you can do with any mental health issue.
I would be sat at home feeling even more alone and confirming to myself my fears were true.

It was no one else’s fault. the feelings came from me:  me alone. I still remember the feeling. It stays with you. It’s the lowest of the low.

It was an illusion though. My thoughts and then my reaction (emotions) that followed made me feel this way. The people around were not purposely horrible or ignoring me, they were communicating. It was just a panic that hit me with the first few seconds of silence.
Alcohol helped to loosen me up, but it could go the other way too.

I usually stuck to a close friend or my brother so I’d have a least one person to talk too. But if they went to the toilet I’d feel lost, helpless, alone.

Today I’m not so bad. I don’t drink so I know my feelings and emotions I’m receiving are real, so I can deal with them. I just try to chill, look around me and relax.
With a relaxed mind I’ve looked to see a few other people on their own looking about, it happens. I’m not alone in being alone, physically or mentally.

These days if I’m left on my own I get my phone out to have a look (Who doesn’t), it feels like I’m interacting with someone (Which I’m not) and it gives my mind a distraction and something to do. If it helps use it, but I do try just to be in the moment and relax.

In my experiences with mental health the feeling of loneliness was the worst to for me to deal with. I felt like I was a loser, and that others were thinking that too, because I was being quiet and evasive.
I think recognising it was an illusion was my biggest saviour.

It’s a horrible debilitating feeling that stays with you.

If you see someone at a party sitting alone or looking uncomfortable, go and talk to them. They probably wont make the first move, but that doesn’t mean their not interesting, their probably just trying their hardest to stay.
It can across as arrogance, most of the time it’s nerves.

I used to love it, people making conversation first, it gave me a feeling of relief and a great distraction. It also helped dispel the myth I was telling myself about being worthless and uninteresting.

First step, like yourself, like being in your own company and relax, the rest will follow…

 

Loner

I’m not a fighter I’m a lover
But in my head I have to fight
Life is better shared with another
I’ve had that feeling, though very slight

Always been different, full of worries
I stand alone in a pit of despair
Don’t remember any happy memories
Though my blank look shows me there

A loner at birth, or fun scared away
Upbringing can slowly take away pieces
Fear and worry lurked on the fray
Not good news for a sociable species

Hard being alone with a family
Each day is guilt and pretence
I avoid as much as they allow me
To young minds it makes no sense

A social night is a passage of grief
Many let downs I’ve yet to atone
Invited feel nervous, not invited relief
Because in my head I’m always alone.

Imagination

Think about it thoughts are just our imagination.

I’ve suffered with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, depression, OCD, and loneliness. The reoccurring theme, negative thoughts. Thoughts predicting the future, or worrying about something you did in the past, or fretting over things in the present. This affected me physically, mentally and emotionally.

Thoughts, and the feelings that go with them, which is really the problem, are not real. They feel real, but it’s an illusion. Your body is reacting to the fearful thought. But with intrusive thoughts the fret is not real, it feels real and that’s the downfall of many lives. The mind tries too hard to keep us safe when most of the time there’s really no danger.

Its imagination. The mind making stories up, just not very nice ones. The mind runs wild, thinking up different ways to keep you safe, stopping you coming to, or causing harm. It’s not real. Thoughts are not magic, we can’t see or predict the future. When you realise the actual thoughts don’t mean anything, they’re just imagination,  you’re half way there to getting out of the nightmare.

For me when I was thinking these things I thought it meant something like i’m a bad person. It doesn’t. A thought is just a thought, only the scary and frightening ones stick because of their meaning. A thought about hurting my child stuck because of the consequences. A thought about cheese doesn’t stick because it doesn’t matter. But its the same thing, just a thought. If you try and get rid of, or control a thought, it stays, and so begins a vicious circle. Intrusive thoughts can be any subject, but usually one that is personal to you. it could be about abuse, sexual, violence, blasphemy and many more. In everyday, run-of-the-mill-people these thoughts are normal, they just affect some people more than others.

Distraction techniques didn’t work on me, rubber bands, or trying to change the negative thought with positive ones. Why? Because by doing these things you’re telling your mind that you shouldn’t be thinking these things, there’s something wrong with your mind or character. The truth is there isn’t. most of the population have intrusive, negative thoughts. It’s just a thought. A bad one but just a thought.

You can’t control your thoughts, you Can’t!, let them pass. Accept them, let them in, and proceed with your life.

What I did, I recognised this, put it in to practice. Used my imagination to create some good. Think of all that awesome imagination that people with ill mental health have. I used it, tapped into it as source for material. Tapped into the pain. By realising it’s just a thought it takes away the fear of the thought, the fear of expressing yourself. Thus the fear of many other things like socialising and talking to people. The fear LIFTS.

With the fear gone the imagination can run wild and be used for positive. The intrusive thoughts still come, but let them, and then leave, quick as a flash, because they don’t mean anything any more.

Without the fear of your thoughts everything else can fall into place. In my experience family, relationships, friends, confidence and socialising became easier and normal. Use this crazy, brilliant imagination to good use. All these scary programs and films come from someone’s imagination. Use it, tap into the dark and step out again unscathed.

Create something masterful or subtle. The time will come when you will brave enough to show other people. The fear of being judged would have gone, you won’t care what people think. It will give people a better understanding of you, and you of yourself.

Me my outlet was poetry, what’s your passion? Unlock it use that imagination, see what you come up with…

If you suffer with Intrusive thoughts read book below, it will change your life. It did mine. I got so much out of it I wrote to the author. She told me to spread the word, so here we are…

cohttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening/dp/1626254346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536175898&sr=8-1&keywords=book+overcoming+intrusive+thoughts

 

Clean Slate

Humanity lifted high and proud
History gone, lived and learned
Mind has shifted, peace now allowed
Eyes opened, soul upside turned

Forgive makeshift will, mind was tainted
Parallel universe looped by a chain
The past picture drawn never painted
Etching smeared, washed with tears of rain

Annoyance and anger, burdening hate
Lived far cry of true person
Second childhood thoughts came late
Always sinking, a percentage certain

Whirlwind of emotion and feelings
Raw, slick, next day flood of regret
Quantity of crowds let down and reeling,
In stone the actions made but not set

Alcohol a fool’s gold amplifier
Clean body, clean slate, sound thinking
Long wait to have trust from a liar,
Fit actions and words with careful linking

With distance, social grace comes with ease,
It’s a chemical curse you can’t rescind
Helps to be forgiven though, the mind frees,
As with life? the answers in the wind

 

 

Suicide

Trying to create awareness.

An honest account of my near suicide thoughts and experiences, along with dealing with intrusive thoughts of suicide, for a majority of my life.

Touching briefly on witnessing suicide first hand and the emotions that follow. A poem on suicide to finish. Permission has been sought and granted by any third parties mentioned.

 

https://www.thecalmzone.net/   – The website for C.A.L.M, The campaign against living miserably. They deal with people who are feeling suicidal and families of suicides. A really good charity for anyone looking for answers on this topic.