Shadow Self

Shadow Self

Looking forward to the weekend
Drinking and socializing with mates
Half excited, half wrenching
In case the conversation turns to dates,
Of more nights or future holidays
Things on the spot I agree to
Pit of my stomach is yearning
I will avoid each one, and I do!
Talk of glory days I’ve missed
In the crowd but still alone
Detached, looking down from above
Lies and guilt, I could never atone,

But they’re a good bunch of friends
Initially I’m always included
In my head yes, no, yes, no
The reality, I feel excluded,
Listening out for the question
Waiting to be asked
Just for it to be over
For them it’s just a task,
An unspoken air of formality
Asking and I say yes
The elephant in the room is reality
Knowing I will let them down by text,

Not real great times, always on edge
But that was as good as it got,
They still think I’m some kind of ledge
But I know I’m not,
What I’d felt back then, wasn’t really me
I kind of knew, but today I know
And if I could live those days again,
I’d just go along with the normal flow,
Past is gone now, no time for regrets
Looking back I feel kind of blessed,
Because they’re a good bunch of friends
And my issues? No-one could have guessed.

 

This poem was written when I was feeling very raw. It’s about being in a crowd but feeling all alone, but the feeling is not because of the people I’m with it’s because of the dread and the reminders that occurs of all the things I’ve avoided in the past.

It’s more to do with wanting to be yourself because you know that person would thrive with your mates and the holidays and nights out they have. I’m always invited but I had a backlog of excuses to use and the mates just go along with it to be kind.

Drink was a big help as in being to forget the anxiety feeling and being to function as a person, if only externally.

Even though I hid my anxieties well and looked like I was happy I was still only living as a shadow of myself…

Chris

Clean Slate

Clean Slate
Humanity lifted high and proud,
History gone, lived and learned,
Mind has shifted, peace now allowed,
Eyes opened, soul upside turned

Forgive makeshift will, mind was tainted,
Parallel universe looped by a chain,
The past picture drawn never painted,
Etching smeared, washed with tears of rain

Annoyance and anger, burdening hate,
Lived far cry of true person,
Second childhood thoughts came late,
Always sinking, a percentage certain

Whirlwind of emotion and feelings,
Raw, slick, next day flood of regret,
Quantity of crowds let down and reeling,
In stone the actions made but not set

Alcohol a fool’s gold amplifier,
Clean body, clean slate, sound thinking,
Long wait to have trust from a liar,
Fit actions and words with careful linking

With distance, social grace comes with ease,
It’s a chemical curse you can’t rescind,
Helps to be forgiven though, the mind frees,
As with life? the answers in the wind

 

I ran a half marathon today and for me about half way round I always notice a time when my thoughts go dark and deep and start to question if I’m going to make or feel ill. How many people am I going to let down? if I have to stop and walk it means I’m useless. All these intrusive thoughts go through my head. It’s the same with a lot of situations in my life, sooner or later there is going to be a intrusive negative thought.

I have learnt to accept this and when the thought comes along just to allow it, accept it and proceed with what ever situation I’m in. The only person judging me is myself. I finished the run quite comfortably which I knew I would because I trained for it, and felt quite pleased with myself.
Now after I get an intrusive thought and move on from it, I see it as a clean slate to move forward from, Hence the title of this poem. Nothing is a hundred percent certain in life and looking for perfection will drive you mad, just accept it and move forward….

Chris

 

 

Two Halves

Two halves
You may think these words are heavy
It’s hard not to be with mental illness
Most would of stopped reading by now
Some stayed just to be curious

Maybe you stayed because you can relate,
To how it felt and how it affected you
The Love, fear, happiness and hate
We’re constantly have, and are going through

Those first two verses were written when really low,
God, reading it brings me down
But only to a level of understanding
All part of turning your life around

Well, you got this far, and not by chance
Seen off the mysterious voices
Freedom is a wonderful thing
Being able to make life choices

A lot of life has been wasted
Solving an impossible puzzle
Time to look past, look forward
Take off that emotional muzzle

I don’t want to end this like I’m preaching,
But there’s one thing I’ve identified,
If you do relate, then you’re a kind, loyal,
Beautiful, passionate, creative, ambitious and caring person…
… Don’t hide!
This poem is the first one I wrote about feeling good about yourself. We few of a mixed up mind are very creative and it’s about accepting that and channelling it in positives ways. I hope you enjoyed it.

Chris

Love in crazy

This poem was written on a beach where I was in a place of confusion. Just like being at the beach, it has beautiful scenery but my mind was in a state of mixed emotions and suffering with OCD.

Being in love for the first time but doubting if the feeling is real. Because the only true emotion I was feeling was anxiety and pain, I always doubted a lighter, happier feeling because it felt like a trick or another obsession as the way with my life. I didn’t trust or believe myself.

When I came round and realised maybe I should act on my emotions and when you begin a relationship it’s hard to keep it going, always looking over the shoulder waiting for the next doubt or attack or if they have figured out that I’m living on the edge of panic.
In the end the pattern that followed me was that I ended most relationships early before they ended with me, as I assumed they would.

So this poem is about having an anxious, mixed up mind and then the feeling of love thrown in and dealing with that.
Here it is Love in Crazy…

Love in Crazy

The heart rendered like a king
Tall, stout and impressive
Evaporating all like a sponge
Past, present, resoundingly obsessive

With each new wave the strings get taunt
Feeling loose, but always holds
A break can be repaired
Or just a myth, that’s been re-told

Eye connections are real
The soul gets mystified
One Love, one other heart to feel
No more can be justified

A timeless lone night lays deep
Coupling and souling a must
Or forever be left in eternal limbo
Heart and mind turning to dust

Running parallel, so very close
A touch sickly, like a vertigo ride
Hearing and speech become an echo
In and out, rhythm of the tide

Is this truth, or is it false?
Love and anguish, my mind they share
Working through, but by default
In both worlds, I have to bare.

 

 

 

 

 

Reflection

Avoid all, still not missed
Replays of friends who still exist
Thoughts cloudy of partners kissed
Many reunions, not on list
A ghost alive in this time
Head an alarm, heart a chime
Mortality clouds an open head
Life be easier without dread
Flashbacks penetrate, hard sharp funnel
Retreating briefly, a deafly tunnel

Boredom, no loneliness
Bordering mad, bordering mess
Panic rises, need more haste
Blood spilled, leaves bad taste
Cut on skin, scrape on mind
A bloody favour, being kind

Impulse brings clammy splatters
Wall, floor, neither matters
Ceramic sink tainted red
Shallow cut, far from dead
Choice made, closer to life
Drop blade, clean stained knife
Fighting with each shallow breath
Retreat from the near bitter death

Admit faltering defeat, move from shock to motion
Fallout with breaths, wash scars with rain
Expect the time that will define the future,
Of being able to face the mirror image again.

Personal

30 years with OCD and anxiety, along with agoraphobia thrown in, it wasn’t an easy start or middle to my youth.

I’ve struggled my whole life with who I am, whose the real me? I was lucky to have found people that listened and didn’t judge. That was step one for me, proof that there are people out there that encourage and help instead of being critical.

Throughout my struggles my only outlet was music and writing poetry. A lot of what I’ve written was produced when I was in some very dark places.

Now having found a great therapist and a great book, I am now in a good place and have the coincidence to put these out for people to read.

They are painful, truthful but come from a very honest place.

I try to keep it real and if it feels to risky I use it. Thank you for reading…

Chris

Colour blind

Its a horrible place to be,
When cries for help are not heard,
Even though I’m silently spoken,
I say it with a written word

It’s a void empty place, your mind,
The rational side has been sent,
Too hard for others to comprehend,
How I felt before the event

An idea that sticks, a plan to escape,
From life and this mortal coil,
Make peace with myself and the world,
Lay down early and be one with the soil

A point of no return or light,
The feeling that it won’t get any better,
I’m sure of it myself, but can’t speak,
So I leave it in a belated letter

To feel in this state seemed impossible
Hearing other achieving makes it feel real,
Clouds the mind with doubt and injustice,
Current plans and thoughts bring up a chill

Left behind would be unconditional love,
But I’m blind behind my tormented mask,
Maybe I have to go there to come back,
To seek help and be able to ask.

A Space in Time

One thing is forever infinite in life
People will persevere to knock you down
But the resilience will just increase
And the king shall wear the crown

A jealous mind turns easily shallow
Empty words used to make you cry
Invisible strangers use free will for offence
I shall use it as fuel to fly

As with sad being used to bring out the happy,
Critical is used to bring up the best
Only the future can be re-written
Unjustified insults are used as a test

Lack of understood breeds humoured insult
Honesty is a gift but abuse is attack
A hollow joke hits a hard shell
Gets through defence, but doesn’t knock back

Everyone’s acceptance I don’t want to achieve
I’m just a simple man with a story to tell
When it comes to wearing my heart on my sleeve,
Then for that, maybe I’m guilty as hell.

Storm Never Came (Suicide lays dormant)

Balance is one of life’s skills
Steering a ship through a perfect storm
The ideal happening is to be still
In todays world, that’s not the norm.

To find the perfect place in life,
Peace, warmth and tranquillity
Opposite feels like a sharp knife,
or out of breath, bottom of the sea

Weighing up the moments of our time
Mood dependant on rain or shine
Mind topples with the weight of it all,
Playful imaginings, turning suicidal

Would it hurt to give nature a nudge,
Hoping survival wouldn’t bare a grudge
If fate steps in and breaks my fall,
I could land on middle ground I wasn’t looking for

Feeling drunk when not even drinking
On solid ground, but inside sinking
Point of no return is not forgiving
Decisions near death, as hard as near living

I knew someone who acted on doubt,
So I’ve always seen it as a way out.

I started to worry when my mind went quiet,
So this is my idea of a spoken riot,
Putting it all down for all to see,
How this was an option, taken seriously

Looking at it now, it feels of nonsense
In death, I never wanted life on my conscience
I talked, I listened, I called my own bluff,
Luckily for me, in the end, enough was never enough

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