Shadow Self

Shadow Self

Looking forward to the weekend
Drinking and socializing with mates
Half excited, half wrenching
In case the conversation turns to dates,
Of more nights or future holidays
Things on the spot I agree to
Pit of my stomach is yearning
I will avoid each one, and I do!
Talk of glory days I’ve missed
In the crowd but still alone
Detached, looking down from above
Lies and guilt, I could never atone,

But they’re a good bunch of friends
Initially I’m always included
In my head yes, no, yes, no
The reality, I feel excluded,
Listening out for the question
Waiting to be asked
Just for it to be over
For them it’s just a task,
An unspoken air of formality
Asking and I say yes
The elephant in the room is reality
Knowing I will let them down by text,

Not real great times, always on edge
But that was as good as it got,
They still think I’m some kind of ledge
But I know I’m not,
What I’d felt back then, wasn’t really me
I kind of knew, but today I know
And if I could live those days again,
I’d just go along with the normal flow,
Past is gone now, no time for regrets
Looking back I feel kind of blessed,
Because they’re a good bunch of friends
And my issues? No-one could have guessed.

 

This poem was written when I was feeling very raw. It’s about being in a crowd but feeling all alone, but the feeling is not because of the people I’m with it’s because of the dread and the reminders that occurs of all the things I’ve avoided in the past.

It’s more to do with wanting to be yourself because you know that person would thrive with your mates and the holidays and nights out they have. I’m always invited but I had a backlog of excuses to use and the mates just go along with it to be kind.

Drink was a big help as in being to forget the anxiety feeling and being to function as a person, if only externally.

Even though I hid my anxieties well and looked like I was happy I was still only living as a shadow of myself…

Chris

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