Still the waves come

OCD Action-  https://www.facebook.com/160350817363455/photos/1364368966961628/
have used several of my poems on their community website and also as a promotional tool to inspire young people with OCD to be creative with it. A piece of my work will also be in their July newsletter.
I hope it does inspire people because it’s really helped me being able to put down how I feel in words and to be able to read it back and own it. With writing you can never be too honest.
Here is an early example of my work.

Hits like green waves on pure beaches,
Each reoccurance building to a fault
Attacks like a shawl of hungry leeches,
As one, swimming for the throat

Looking for a sky that cannot be,
Exposure is the only cure
Try to rid the big heavy,
Hell on earth can be no more

The thrashing in veins is obsessive
Behind the eyes is hectic
Quiet constant humming is impressive,
With pure thoughts turning septic

A calming after a wavy trance,
Taking control to find inner peace
Sandy ripples as in dance,
Still waters slow to a final release

 

Yes

Having the will to be critical and angry,
To encourage, I didn’t have the energy
Being ‘pretend’ happy got me nowhere,
Touch of sarcastic praise, ‘there there’
I shouted and shouted to seem taller,
The realism, as a person I was smaller

Anxiety closing in, please let me out
Only option left was to try and shout
Hard to describe the way I felt
Not living real, playing the hand I’m dealt
Trying to be kind, by being cruel
Ending with someone, before they end with you

The only happiness came at the end of a bar,
Ending relationships, before they got too far,
To the extent of cheating, being immature,
Did nothing for my personality, or stature
Before they see I have an anxious mind
To show my real feelings, I would be blind

Had to get out, put my sanity first,
The OCD had an unquenchable thirst
When I laughed, or played at being a brat,
My self preservation had kicked in, only I knew that
The irony is, of ending all ties,
Is turning to drink, who Fed me all lies

I was lonely alone and I needed out
Put a pin in my pain and please bleed me out
Pretty much treated everyone the same,
Looking to leave you, looking real lame
If I let you down I have no excuse,
apart from wanting to be a full time recluse

OCD, anxiety, depression, I could go on
Not for sympathy or any attention,
After 30 years now my script is my own,
The mind dictator, has been disowned
A sea of uncertainty for years I swam,
Haven’t drowned yet so here I am,

My life was a pebble, buried in the sand
With help I was excavated safely to land
Allowed to sit in the sun and shine
I can be myself with no invisible whine
So though in the past, I did act very strange,
a little understanding would be good, coz believe me I’ve changed.

Changes

The mind is adept at its own pretence
When a foreseeable ending claws at its sense
Rapid spate of change is hard to allow
Crystal clear thoughts deviate from the brow
An uncontrolled destined moment in time
Perspectives of honesty bring up the divine
Amnesiac spaces previous and after
Brings the transition not nearer nor faster

Change sparks defence to raise fully clad
Denial, like a sane man humouring the mad
A rapid such ending wretches the soul
Pulls what we possess to never let go
Our sleepless gut instinct repulses the last
Repelling an echo of struggles near past
For even the efficient an ending feels strange
A limbo state not desiring to change

An unconscious unknown steadily beckons
Lifetime of intake, although its just seconds
Confusion is ripe though doesn’t persist
Without endings your presence wouldn’t exist
On ponder a moment which presents a choice
An alternate view to retain a lost voice
Reflect to proceed, an perceptive mind wins
Determine an ending, is where a new first begins.

The OCD

 Awaiting inside when you’re born
Awakes from slumber at any age
Mutates into many sly forms
Adopts a method to slide from its cage

Feeds insecurities with whimpering tales
Controls from within, it must speak truth
Vocation to protect, although always fails
Lays seeds of doubt in minds of youth

Check, wash, clean, obsess on thoughts
Displays futures that couldn’t exist
A freedom collapse, never gets caught
Can’t reject compulsion, or fear persists

Not a creature notice or sees
How an OCD mind clouds and clears
Beg for a waking mass of peace
Only your design knows and hears

A false protector, a damned ally
For crowded years, the only truth known
Notified to check again and ask why?
Replies family be dispatched, be all alone

To save others, you produce the sacrifice,
Of running disconnected mean tasks
Has no consequence, only in your life
Can’t help but continue, all that it asks

Forsaken on a bottomless ledge
To avoid, it makes the host pay
Not living life, just on the edge
When the host denies, it adapts to stay

An expert of charm and seduction
Lures you to pursue its crazy design
Fated to forever complete its function,
For I am its and it is mine.

Short Game

Of course laws of attraction
Starts as you as a distraction
Not sure you’re a soul mate
Different days love and hate
Yes interested in names
No, not interested in games
Deep parts a need to know
Beautiful person, beautiful soul

Chemistry’s the right mix
One that works, one that clicks
Feel warmth inside each day
When bodies close, when far away
Not needy, not obsessive
There’s a time for being possessive
Space and time creates mystery
All have some kind of history

A calming force to help with sleep
Heavy heart when eyes weep
Honest and true if you could
break ups, only one understood
Speaks the truth until the end
elements of a life long friend.

Shadows

Elegance as in beauty
Outline clear in light
Seeks a poignant space in time
Flickers dance with me
Forever one as two

Movement flies through air
Clouds practice in patience
Playing chess with the light
Passes leadership to the stars

Every shadow has its quest
Unknown entity
Towed for all eternity
Power to possess skills
Puppet to immortality
Staying within its boundary

Transition

The grey makes a becoming change,
Where it was dark, there’s now light,
The future wasn’t written just blanked out,
From dense and heavy to very bright

The journey from the dark came with struggles,
Obsessions came with their own withdrawal,
Finally breaking free liberated the pressures,
Now able to catch yourself if you fall

Inspiring the mind to keep the flame burning,
Blackness still beckons with a whimpering hand,
Journey from there to here has many obstacles,
You can now judge you! and understand

It’s about being honest and true,
Get out and be proud of how you feel,
Keep your head high and be much more,
Part of being yourself is keeping it real

Thoughts and feelings are now words and verse,
Part of showing the world what you can do,
The personal expectations have been lifted,
There’s no limit to where life can take you