Alone Away Days
Picked on a team where all the good people play
Will they notice that I can’t play away?
Though I couldn’t much travel or roam
I had some good games playing at home
A lot of potential, or so I was told
Loads of ‘what ifs’ to dwell when I’m old
What might of been; career I’ve lost?
Staying in my bubble, but at what cost
‘Oh he’s ok, but his attitudes bad’
Didn’t mention the mental issue I had
Let people down, not looked at twice
Couldn’t expect players to be polite and nice
Maybe a league or a semi cup tie
If it’s too far to travel, I’ll make up a lie
Feigning flu illness I’ve used times before
If they come knocking I’ll hide on the floor
I know deep inside I’ve let the team down
Got evils and sneers when I’m later in town
Self preservation you see, mind constantly scared
A form of OCD and Agoraphobia, formally paired
But Damn I had skill, and Damn I could play
Just a shame my mind wouldn’t let me away
Does it matter now? no who cares
I still have my memories of magic and flair
How people remember, that’s a choice that they make
But a bad attitude nah, that’s just a mistake.
Football was one thing I was good at, very good. But as with other aspects of my life the anxiety and OCD had to creep in and take the pleasure.
The fear of playing away took over as I got older. And then with senior football there’s an element of pride and being hard around other males. If I told the truth of being afraid then I felt I would be branded a coward and a weirdo.
I was just scared of something bad happening, a fight, a riot, car crash on the way there. The anxiety drove me to miss huge games, cup games where I would pretend to be ill, using the same illness again and again.
Even now old players say to me I was a good player it was just my attitude that wasn’t right. This always makes me cringe as I want them to know the truth but the truth would just sound alien to them. In the end I put it down in words…