Scared to Survive

We’re all a bit scared of living. There are always choices to make: scary choices.
With anxiety it’s the decisions of normal day-day stuff that can be scary.
Which shop to go to, will there be many people about?, shall I go out this week to see friends?, shall I go to this family party? All decisions that can seem scary to a born worrier.

Anxiety makes you look ahead, check if there’s any forthcoming decisions that need making, any worries to clear up in advance, even though that never happens. A normal week is a struggle, it takes a lot of mental work to function. Wearing the mask for other people to see, and then to be at home, and be honest with yourself knowing that’s another day wasted. Another day without joy, happiness or achievement.

You’ve had glimpses’ of it in the past, you know what it feels like. But that just feels like a gift you receive now or then. Or you feel you don’t really deserve to be happy, for what reason? there isn’t one. It’s a feeling and a thought, and none of them are facts.

It’s so hard to come out of the shadows and live. It’s been so long you forget how, or you never really knew how to embrace it to start with.

It’s never to late to escape the prison that you’ve created. To leave the comfort zone of a false kingdom. A King in a land of despair, anxiety disguised as a crown. The shadows are your enemies, the worries that surround, that stem from the dark.

Step foot in to the sun, feel the heat, it’s never to late to start living-use that imagination, create a better kingdom, a better world, out of the dark comes light…

 

Scared to Survive

In the back I hide
only edging out to the sun,
when my conscious allows me

Sometimes I play amongst the shadows
with whom I’m lost,
prisoner in freedom,
King in his Kingdom

Days come and leave
Years pass with no greater wisdom
or luxury of courage

Raindrops wet my appetite,
for a greener life of growth,
glistening of beauty

I choose,
to shelter down from the wind,
of the storm, dormant
in my mind

Panic shines a light,
pumps the blood,
still I don’t move,
from my spot of fragility

The cold of frost
affects my tears,
relays my fears,
tap, tapping
onto my body shell – echoing,
a rhythm to my desires

I feel the warmth,
crawling at the senses,
still I sit,
scared,
forever,
looking out,
to the wonder

Honest

Why do I feel better when i hear people around me are in pain or suffering, am I glad it’s not me?.

What is that little bit of feeling deep inside that flutters when I realise someone else is worse off, family member, friend, or work colleague.

Hearing a person’s bad news awakes a second or two of hope in my mind.

Is it because I’m glad I’m not the weakest person in the room, even it’s just for the day? A relief of a kind of not being alone in torment.

This feeling may last seconds or hours, but it feeds on others bad and torrid times.

An inner voice that screams that maybe, just for today we won’t be the only black hole of a person. A shadow self that secretly loves hearing the failures of others.

Is it easily awoken in me because of my ill mental health, anxieties, and depression and offers some mental relief?.

Judging a person and smiling inside though externally offering support.

I Feel bad afterwards on reflection but knowing it will happen again and I will be glad.

But I want to live in a world where I can feel free and be in a mental position to help others who are suffering, without that split second of joy.

Its a paradox of knowing how it feels to suffer, having the empathy to help others, and wanting to help others, but having the relief and restbite that it’s not always me. I guess that’s just being human.

Maybe it’s better that way than being a person who has suffered and inflicts suffering onto others. Or a person who feels joy when they hear of peoples troubles, through a dislike or hatred.

On reflection I know it’s there and I acknowledge it. It’s part of who I am and what I’ve been through. My mind protects itself anyway it can, day-day. I know deep inside it makes me a better person, because in the end I can share the pain, empathise, and help.

Thoughts of an OCD mind

A New Video – Thoughts of an OCD mind

A truthful and honest account of the history of my OCD and how it affected me growing up, Relationships, family, school, friends…
Describing the hang ups that come with it, Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Depression, intrusive thoughts, and others.

Finishing with how to be creative with the thoughts and a poem about OCD.

 

 

 

Humour

We all need humour right? And people with negative thoughts, and sufferers of ill mental health have awesome sense of humours, we’re just to scared to show it, through fear of rejection or saying the wrong thing or offending.

But it’s there, along with the awesome imagination and when used it can build many positive connections.

Its the same as negative thoughts you can be creative and use your humour elsewhere, drawings, photos and captions, writing sketches, or videos.

Speaking personally I have a wicked and strange sense of humour, and when something hits me in the right spot, I’m off with the fairies laughing, creasing up. It just brings so much fun. Humour is a natural part of the mind which can be buried deep, but when reached and arisen to the surface it’s a dominant force overriding all.

Me I like to use poetry, so here’s a bit of light coming from the dark. . .

 

A Chance Romance at the Office

A door opened
My arm yanked back
In a pitch black room
With no grace or tact

Shut in a cupboard
The room really stinks
Opposite she inhales
Thank God I wore Lynx

Holds my hands
Stands real close
I can smell her breath
I think she’s had toast

Pulls me in for the kill
I hope i don’t spoil it
Squeezes me tight
So I now need the toilet

Snogs me hard
My heart races
I feel her tounge
Didn’t know she wore braces

Let’s out a sigh
Knowing she’s sinned
I let out air
But mine is just wind

The light then clicks on
And she sees my face
Her mouth drops
Now knowing her mistake

I’m not who she thought
You should of seen her
Run out the office
After kissing the cleaner

Her lover popped out
Steve from room two
Their having an affair
Only me that knew

They always meet here
Tounges down their throat
But Steve had to leave
So I nicked his coat.

 

Chris Chant 2018

 

 

 

Brave

Telling someone you love them, with uncertainty of the answer, is the bravest of the brave.

A silent response can kill a person, a whispered split second produces a thousand thoughts, breaking a million hearts.

Baring all but not to recieve, Love, feelings, emotions, makes giving the hardest choice, speaking truth the hardest voice.

Don’t underestimate, behind every quiet voice is a chaotic mind, who may shake to start with but will end in full force.

Speaking your mind when you don’t trust yourself is the toughest barrier to break. Defences are high, comfort is safer in silence.

Don’t speak with malice, speak with imagination, humour, and for defence. Believe in your truth, the truth of the world around you, what you seek will find you and stand by your side.

Poetry reading, interpretation, inspiration

Its firstly a quick run through of one of popular poems ‘Still the waves come’ followed by my own interpretation of the words and what I was thinking at the time.

I also discuss what inspired me, with hopefully a bit of motivation on how to be creative instead of suffering.

watch to the end if you can, enjoy, Chris

Inspiration

Whatever it is use it.

I’ve been in some very dark places where there is no way out, but alas here I am. Whatever it is use it! This imagination of ours is what keeps us down. We use it to create negative and sour happenings about ourselves turning our thoughts septic.

What worked for me to use it, create something, Poetry, painting, a story, a blog, photography, whatever feels right and for you to be able express yourself. It might awaken a passion deep inside.

In that pit of despair when you feel like doing nothing, write down those feelings, draw what it looks like, use the exact words or pictures in your head. Keep it for yourself or show people, whatever’s happening with you in that moment get it out there in the world, make it real, because when you make something real it feels like you’re dealing with it and it can be dealt with, instead of living in your head, manipulating your mind. Make it real, use it to get you to a better place.

This is what works for me. On bad days I write how I feel, being honest and true, and then use it for poetry. For me it works.

Doesn’t matter if it’s dark, it’s just imagination. Everyone has one. And depression, anxiety, OCD… etc and other sufferers have awesome imaginations. Don’t be scared of it, it comes from you.

All I can say is try, who knows what you may home up with. A deep hidden talent, or just a honest interpretation of what’s happening with you inside.

It may show a better understanding, to you and to other people.

Be inspired. Inspire yourself.