Honest

Why do I feel better when i hear people around me are in pain or suffering, am I glad it’s not me?.

What is that little bit of feeling deep inside that flutters when I realise someone else is worse off, family member, friend, or work colleague.

Hearing a person’s bad news awakes a second or two of hope in my mind.

Is it because I’m glad I’m not the weakest person in the room, even it’s just for the day? A relief of a kind of not being alone in torment.

This feeling may last seconds or hours, but it feeds on others bad and torrid times.

An inner voice that screams that maybe, just for today we won’t be the only black hole of a person. A shadow self that secretly loves hearing the failures of others.

Is it easily awoken in me because of my ill mental health, anxieties, and depression and offers some mental relief?.

Judging a person and smiling inside though externally offering support.

I Feel bad afterwards on reflection but knowing it will happen again and I will be glad.

But I want to live in a world where I can feel free and be in a mental position to help others who are suffering, without that split second of joy.

Its a paradox of knowing how it feels to suffer, having the empathy to help others, and wanting to help others, but having the relief and restbite that it’s not always me. I guess that’s just being human.

Maybe it’s better that way than being a person who has suffered and inflicts suffering onto others. Or a person who feels joy when they hear of peoples troubles, through a dislike or hatred.

On reflection I know it’s there and I acknowledge it. It’s part of who I am and what I’ve been through. My mind protects itself anyway it can, day-day. I know deep inside it makes me a better person, because in the end I can share the pain, empathise, and help.

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