Tormented

What do you do
With a blanket of needs
Dying in front of you,
When communication has stopped,
The mind has collapsed,
And the addict scars
Grow from the inside
Swallowing the entire family whole,
Silence is worry
Conversation is pain
Though we carry on
And proceed with the fairytale,
Because if there’s breath
There’s a chance,
Or so we kid ourselves to think,
The truth is the edge becomes closer
With every anxious blink,
Each second the heart fails
Adds to the deathly nails,
And Laying calmly in wait
The coffin of addiction,

The final chapter enters insanity,
Awoken voices
Guides the mind
Onto the path of enlightenment,
Passing destruction and horror
Along the way,
The soul reaches the door of salvation
Save yourself, save all,
Close your eyes and walk towards,
One last chance of redemption
Make peace and fly,
Lay back and Wash away the guilt
Slowly as you die,
This ending offers no twist
No saviour to speak of,
Only a paragraph of truth
And reality
Which helps love ones to share,
That finially pulls the curtain
On this story called despair.

Flight

Flight

Escape not from this room
You knew this
You knew impending doom
Not apparent bliss.

No chance to escape
Fight or flee
Your autonomy raped
It’s not different, you see

I will squeeze for life
Control the blood
Distract the mind
Search for love

Pain rather than avoidance
Hope better than death
Control is in the thought
Fear is in the breath

Antidote

Run run run away
The thread is wearing thin
Escape escape escape this place
No one knows where you’ve been

Flee flee flee this cave
Don’t know what you might find
Help help help yourself
Take possession of your mind

Change change change direction
Squeeze the blood out From your hand
Free free free the poison
Maybe now you’ll understand

The Show Must Go On

The Show Must Go On

He will try to convince you
To do the merry dance,
The joker,
Pretending to be your friend,
His Manic laughter
Promising happily ever after.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jesters hat,
Go away you insidious monster
You mock yourself with that,
One, two, the fools on you
I see your game
Suffocating my lungs
Crushing my heart,
Whispering my name.
Bloody depression…

Shouting at the rain

Empty spaces filled with souls
Risen by false pretences
Offering shelter to the storm.
Worrying minds the most vulnerable
Of all catastrophes,
Affecting visionaries with regret,
The brave shrunk down
To shadows of cowardice.
When will we realise
To ignore the whispering talk
Expressed by deemed prophecies of hell
Who live to shorten life.
Thunder has rumbled
The inner soul for too long,
Time has come
To bathe and cleanse internal scars,
Dry our spirit from the rain
Hang our skin out to burn,
Because If we follow ourselves towards oblivion
Only darkness will return.

Summary

First thoughts I dispense with caution

Notion with an ironic flaw

A split second occurrence

With no stage for reflection

Containing irrational undertones

Speed ‘Becomes’ essence

Dismay is uncontrolled

Outlines feasible complications Conversation is to-be heeded

True words believed, transpired with time

Character prevails via choices

Shaped by unrushed competence

Instant verbs evolve and mature

Sharp decisions cease to race

Knowledgeable peace combines

Sheds light on existence

Judgement swallowed by reality

Being misconceived becomes scarce

Harmony elected with a mutual dignity.

Changes

The mind is adept at its own pretence
When a foreseeable ending claws at its sense
Rapid spate of change is hard to allow
Crystal clear thoughts deviate from the brow
An uncontrolled destined moment in time
Perspectives of honesty bring up the divine
Amnesiac spaces previous and after
Brings the transition not nearer nor faster

Change sparks defence to raise fully clad
Denial, like a sane man humouring the mad
A rapid such ending wretches the soul
Pulls what we possess to never let go
Our sleepless gut instinct repulses the last
Repelling an echo of struggles near past
For even the efficient an ending feels strange
A limbo state not desiring to change

An unconscious unknown steadily beckons
Lifetime of intake, although its just seconds
Confusion is ripe though doesn’t persist
Without endings your presence wouldn’t exist
On ponder a moment which presents a choice
An alternate view to retain a lost voice
Reflect to proceed, an perceptive mind wins
Determine an ending, is where a new first begins.

Stitches

When asleep

It’s peace as in death

No dreams or feeling

Nothing.

Surgery sends the mind

To limbo

Breathing though vacant in thought.

Split second coma

Opens the conscious

Letting the present seep out

Keeping pain away.

Fate in surgeons hands

The fear dying in silent mystery

Surrender myself to a higher power

I am yours to mend or destroy.

Awoken by strangers after long hours

Wiping free the blood from stains

Of the stitches which tell the story

Why metal was wrapped around veins.

Poker Face

Short term elation hangs
Where addiction masks the madness
Painting a wealth of contentment
On a frustrated canvas of sadness

Pressure to spill fresh blood
Break the skin of self harm
Release the anxieties of coping
Take away the gamblers charm

The scabs of healed past
Become embers of the guilty
Punishing through instant gratification
Though quick healing leaves self pity

Hurting own form the true biggest gamble
As materials are soon won and lost
Scarring own human shell a sacred act
Giving relief but at what cost

Compulsions fight the middle ground
A hunger swell, holds no control
To ruin life through obsession
Leaves too great a debt to repay the soul.

Redemption

I’ve always been a fan of Angel, the spin off from Buffy. This is because I like the idea of redemption and being able to fight for it, and in the end earn the worth for forgiveness and live normal again.

The problem was I felt like I was fighting for redemption trying to rid my curse, and the truth was I’ve done nothing wrong, nothing at all. My intrusive thoughts and my anxiety was making me feel this way. Making me feel I’m a horrible, terrible, person that deserves no happiness.

So I had these feelings that I need forgiveness, from others and myself. This was just an illusion, my mind being over cautious to keep me safe. Paradox anyone?

Along with my obsessive nature I became obsessed with the idea, fight the good fight and lose the bad thoughts. How did I fight the good fight I hear you say. By staying in, staying away from people so I couldn’t hurt anyone or do anything wrong (Angel after he regained his soul) Not that I have before or since, but my thoughts and my feelings were telling me that, to keep me safe, and then in the end maybe some divine intervention will make the thoughts go away.

Yeah right, I just ended up in solitude with a can of beer watching television every night wasting my life away.

Learning about intrusive thoughts helped me out of this, and deep down I knew the thoughts were overacting.

What it did help me with though was looking at other people. Giving other people a second, third chance at redemption. With my alcoholic parent, I knew she was a good person, had a good character, it was just the drink that made her horrible or illusive. I kept giving her chances and now she’s the best Mum and Nan in the world.

So empty redemption, searching for it when there’s no reason, that’s what intrusive thoughts can do. But thoughts and feeling are not facts, it was my reactions to them that was the problem. It’s your character, your choices in life that define you.

But life is full of second chances and offering one to someone can make all the difference in their lives.

After all we all have our demons, it’s just some are real and some are imagined. Sometimes Its hard to decide which is worst.

Up

Words are the heartbeat of the mind
The conscious shuts off to the world
though not blind
you see all and everything
above all you see
The beauty in others
and yourself
face to face
there is no disguise
because where the soul shines through
and cannot lie
is through the eyes

Chris