Redemption

I’ve always been a fan of Angel, the spin off from Buffy. This is because I like the idea of redemption and being able to fight for it, and in the end earn the worth for forgiveness and live normal again.

The problem was I felt like I was fighting for redemption trying to rid my curse, and the truth was I’ve done nothing wrong, nothing at all. My intrusive thoughts and my anxiety was making me feel this way. Making me feel I’m a horrible, terrible, person that deserves no happiness.

So I had these feelings that I need forgiveness, from others and myself. This was just an illusion, my mind being over cautious to keep me safe. Paradox anyone?

Along with my obsessive nature I became obsessed with the idea, fight the good fight and lose the bad thoughts. How did I fight the good fight I hear you say. By staying in, staying away from people so I couldn’t hurt anyone or do anything wrong (Angel after he regained his soul) Not that I have before or since, but my thoughts and my feelings were telling me that, to keep me safe, and then in the end maybe some divine intervention will make the thoughts go away.

Yeah right, I just ended up in solitude with a can of beer watching television every night wasting my life away.

Learning about intrusive thoughts helped me out of this, and deep down I knew the thoughts were overacting.

What it did help me with though was looking at other people. Giving other people a second, third chance at redemption. With my alcoholic parent, I knew she was a good person, had a good character, it was just the drink that made her horrible or illusive. I kept giving her chances and now she’s the best Mum and Nan in the world.

So empty redemption, searching for it when there’s no reason, that’s what intrusive thoughts can do. But thoughts and feeling are not facts, it was my reactions to them that was the problem. It’s your character, your choices in life that define you.

But life is full of second chances and offering one to someone can make all the difference in their lives.

After all we all have our demons, it’s just some are real and some are imagined. Sometimes Its hard to decide which is worst.

Up

Words are the heartbeat of the mind
The conscious shuts off to the world
though not blind
you see all and everything
above all you see
The beauty in others
and yourself
face to face
there is no disguise
because where the soul shines through
and cannot lie
is through the eyes

Chris

Scared to Survive

We’re all a bit scared of living. There are always choices to make: scary choices.
With anxiety it’s the decisions of normal day-day stuff that can be scary.
Which shop to go to, will there be many people about?, shall I go out this week to see friends?, shall I go to this family party? All decisions that can seem scary to a born worrier.

Anxiety makes you look ahead, check if there’s any forthcoming decisions that need making, any worries to clear up in advance, even though that never happens. A normal week is a struggle, it takes a lot of mental work to function. Wearing the mask for other people to see, and then to be at home, and be honest with yourself knowing that’s another day wasted. Another day without joy, happiness or achievement.

You’ve had glimpses’ of it in the past, you know what it feels like. But that just feels like a gift you receive now or then. Or you feel you don’t really deserve to be happy, for what reason? there isn’t one. It’s a feeling and a thought, and none of them are facts.

It’s so hard to come out of the shadows and live. It’s been so long you forget how, or you never really knew how to embrace it to start with.

It’s never to late to escape the prison that you’ve created. To leave the comfort zone of a false kingdom. A King in a land of despair, anxiety disguised as a crown. The shadows are your enemies, the worries that surround, that stem from the dark.

Step foot in to the sun, feel the heat, it’s never to late to start living-use that imagination, create a better kingdom, a better world, out of the dark comes light…

 

Scared to Survive

In the back I hide
only edging out to the sun,
when my conscious allows me

Sometimes I play amongst the shadows
with whom I’m lost,
prisoner in freedom,
King in his Kingdom

Days come and leave
Years pass with no greater wisdom
or luxury of courage

Raindrops wet my appetite,
for a greener life of growth,
glistening of beauty

I choose,
to shelter down from the wind,
of the storm, dormant
in my mind

Panic shines a light,
pumps the blood,
still I don’t move,
from my spot of fragility

The cold of frost
affects my tears,
relays my fears,
tap, tapping
onto my body shell – echoing,
a rhythm to my desires

I feel the warmth,
crawling at the senses,
still I sit,
scared,
forever,
looking out,
to the wonder

A Glimpse of Remorse

It was dark

And I was alone,

Think and repent they said,

Who do they think they are

Demanding,

A trait devoid of understanding.

Have they ever been shut away

Like this before

with no Windows?

I thought not.

I haven’t until now,

I’ve known people who have,

And how.

Anyway I found nothing,

Inside myself, nothing.

Only a thought

And a question.

Why does persecution

Fall on the wrong people?

The thought was about my mum.

See I’m no harm to anyone.

Tell the truth or live

It doesn’t matter

I’m lost you see,

Shut the door

Throw away the key.

Antidote

Run run run away
The thread is wearing thin
Escape escape escape this place
No one knows where you’ve been

Flee flee flee this hole
Don’t know what you might find
Help help help yourself
Take possession of your mind

Change change change direction
Squeeze the blood out from your hand
Free free free the poison
Maybe now you’ll understand.