Shouting at the rain

Empty spaces filled with souls
Risen by false pretences
Offering shelter to the storm.
Worrying minds the most vulnerable
Of all catastrophes,
Affecting visionaries with regret,
The brave shrunk down
To shadows of cowardice.
When will we realise
To ignore the whispering talk
Expressed by deemed prophecies of hell
Who live to shorten life.
Thunder has rumbled
The inner soul for too long,
Time has come
To bathe and cleanse internal scars,
Dry our spirit from the rain
Hang our skin out to burn,
Because If we follow ourselves towards oblivion
Only darkness will return.

Summary

First thoughts I dispense with caution

Notion with an ironic flaw

A split second occurrence

With no stage for reflection

Containing irrational undertones

Speed ‘Becomes’ essence

Dismay is uncontrolled

Outlines feasible complications Conversation is to-be heeded

True words believed, transpired with time

Character prevails via choices

Shaped by unrushed competence

Instant verbs evolve and mature

Sharp decisions cease to race

Knowledgeable peace combines

Sheds light on existence

Judgement swallowed by reality

Being misconceived becomes scarce

Harmony elected with a mutual dignity.

Changes

The mind is adept at its own pretence
When a foreseeable ending claws at its sense
Rapid spate of change is hard to allow
Crystal clear thoughts deviate from the brow
An uncontrolled destined moment in time
Perspectives of honesty bring up the divine
Amnesiac spaces previous and after
Brings the transition not nearer nor faster

Change sparks defence to raise fully clad
Denial, like a sane man humouring the mad
A rapid such ending wretches the soul
Pulls what we possess to never let go
Our sleepless gut instinct repulses the last
Repelling an echo of struggles near past
For even the efficient an ending feels strange
A limbo state not desiring to change

An unconscious unknown steadily beckons
Lifetime of intake, although its just seconds
Confusion is ripe though doesn’t persist
Without endings your presence wouldn’t exist
On ponder a moment which presents a choice
An alternate view to retain a lost voice
Reflect to proceed, an perceptive mind wins
Determine an ending, is where a new first begins.

Stitches

When asleep

It’s peace as in death

No dreams or feeling

Nothing.

Surgery sends the mind

To limbo

Breathing though vacant in thought.

Split second coma

Opens the conscious

Letting the present seep out

Keeping pain away.

Fate in surgeons hands

The fear dying in silent mystery

Surrender myself to a higher power

I am yours to mend or destroy.

Awoken by strangers after long hours

Wiping free the blood from stains

Of the stitches which tell the story

Why metal was wrapped around veins.

Poker Face

Short term elation hangs
Where addiction masks the madness
Painting a wealth of contentment
On a frustrated canvas of sadness

Pressure to spill fresh blood
Break the skin of self harm
Release the anxieties of coping
Take away the gamblers charm

The scabs of healed past
Become embers of the guilty
Punishing through instant gratification
Though quick healing leaves self pity

Hurting own form the true biggest gamble
As materials are soon won and lost
Scarring own human shell a sacred act
Giving relief but at what cost

Compulsions fight the middle ground
A hunger swell, holds no control
To ruin life through obsession
Leaves too great a debt to repay the soul.

Redemption

I’ve always been a fan of Angel, the spin off from Buffy. This is because I like the idea of redemption and being able to fight for it, and in the end earn the worth for forgiveness and live normal again.

The problem was I felt like I was fighting for redemption trying to rid my curse, and the truth was I’ve done nothing wrong, nothing at all. My intrusive thoughts and my anxiety was making me feel this way. Making me feel I’m a horrible, terrible, person that deserves no happiness.

So I had these feelings that I need forgiveness, from others and myself. This was just an illusion, my mind being over cautious to keep me safe. Paradox anyone?

Along with my obsessive nature I became obsessed with the idea, fight the good fight and lose the bad thoughts. How did I fight the good fight I hear you say. By staying in, staying away from people so I couldn’t hurt anyone or do anything wrong (Angel after he regained his soul) Not that I have before or since, but my thoughts and my feelings were telling me that, to keep me safe, and then in the end maybe some divine intervention will make the thoughts go away.

Yeah right, I just ended up in solitude with a can of beer watching television every night wasting my life away.

Learning about intrusive thoughts helped me out of this, and deep down I knew the thoughts were overacting.

What it did help me with though was looking at other people. Giving other people a second, third chance at redemption. With my alcoholic parent, I knew she was a good person, had a good character, it was just the drink that made her horrible or illusive. I kept giving her chances and now she’s the best Mum and Nan in the world.

So empty redemption, searching for it when there’s no reason, that’s what intrusive thoughts can do. But thoughts and feeling are not facts, it was my reactions to them that was the problem. It’s your character, your choices in life that define you.

But life is full of second chances and offering one to someone can make all the difference in their lives.

After all we all have our demons, it’s just some are real and some are imagined. Sometimes Its hard to decide which is worst.

Up

Words are the heartbeat of the mind
The conscious shuts off to the world
though not blind
you see all and everything
above all you see
The beauty in others
and yourself
face to face
there is no disguise
because where the soul shines through
and cannot lie
is through the eyes

Chris

Scared to Survive

We’re all a bit scared of living. There are always choices to make: scary choices.
With anxiety it’s the decisions of normal day-day stuff that can be scary.
Which shop to go to, will there be many people about?, shall I go out this week to see friends?, shall I go to this family party? All decisions that can seem scary to a born worrier.

Anxiety makes you look ahead, check if there’s any forthcoming decisions that need making, any worries to clear up in advance, even though that never happens. A normal week is a struggle, it takes a lot of mental work to function. Wearing the mask for other people to see, and then to be at home, and be honest with yourself knowing that’s another day wasted. Another day without joy, happiness or achievement.

You’ve had glimpses’ of it in the past, you know what it feels like. But that just feels like a gift you receive now or then. Or you feel you don’t really deserve to be happy, for what reason? there isn’t one. It’s a feeling and a thought, and none of them are facts.

It’s so hard to come out of the shadows and live. It’s been so long you forget how, or you never really knew how to embrace it to start with.

It’s never to late to escape the prison that you’ve created. To leave the comfort zone of a false kingdom. A King in a land of despair, anxiety disguised as a crown. The shadows are your enemies, the worries that surround, that stem from the dark.

Step foot in to the sun, feel the heat, it’s never to late to start living-use that imagination, create a better kingdom, a better world, out of the dark comes light…

 

Scared to Survive

In the back I hide
only edging out to the sun,
when my conscious allows me

Sometimes I play amongst the shadows
with whom I’m lost,
prisoner in freedom,
King in his Kingdom

Days come and leave
Years pass with no greater wisdom
or luxury of courage

Raindrops wet my appetite,
for a greener life of growth,
glistening of beauty

I choose,
to shelter down from the wind,
of the storm, dormant
in my mind

Panic shines a light,
pumps the blood,
still I don’t move,
from my spot of fragility

The cold of frost
affects my tears,
relays my fears,
tap, tapping
onto my body shell – echoing,
a rhythm to my desires

I feel the warmth,
crawling at the senses,
still I sit,
scared,
forever,
looking out,
to the wonder