Indecisive

Every decision feels like a life threatening choice. The mind choosing an option, changing it’s mind, then changing it back again.

Every day decisions, like where to go out, or what to eat. The doubts of an anxious mind put different scenarios in your head, making it a tormenting life.

Always questioning whether you’ve made the right choice. It’s a hard way to live. A lonely place of guilt and living on nerves.

That’s how anxiety and depression fights happiness. Putting doubt and fear in safe situations.

It’s the most disabling crush on ones sanity…

Remotely Controlled

Remotely Controlled

I suppose it’s because I felt on a roll,
Where I start to question whose in control
Always going to happen, writing this out,
That sooner or later, I’d be struck by doubt

Is it My imagination writing all this,
Or Anxiety, my old friend and nemesis
Hello my old foe looking over my shoulder,
You haven’t changed a bit, but i look a lot older

I should of known that working hard graft,
It would creep up on me, like a freezing cold draught
Don’t need you right now, though thanks for the attack,
Just leave, because if I let you, you’d be right back

I have to be watchful, it can be quite clever
Do I need its help? the true answer, never
Usually I’m not in the mood to mess with
But I’ve had enough of its passive aggressive

Still it’s been awhile, and it hasn’t kept on
I look freely around, and by truth it’s gone
I smile, because I’ve got rid of the troll
For now I guess, that means im in control.

Anxiety

Shadow Self

Looking forward to the weekend
Drinking and socializing with mates
Half excited, half wrenching
In case the conversation turns to dates,
Of more nights or future holidays
Things on the spot I agree to
Pit of my stomach is yearning
I will avoid each one, and I do!
Talk of glory days I’ve missed
In the crowd but still alone
Detached, looking down from above
Lies and guilt, I could never atone,

But they’re a good bunch of friends
Initially I’m always included
In my head yes, no, yes, no
The reality, I feel excluded,
Listening out for the question
Waiting to be asked
Just for it to be over
For them it’s just a task,
An unspoken air of formality
Asking and I say yes
The elephant in the room is reality
Knowing I will let them down by text,

Not real great times, always on edge
But that was as good as it got,
They still think I’m some kind of ledge
But I know I’m not,
What I’d felt back then, wasn’t really me
I kinda knew, but today I know
And if I could live those days again,
I’d just go along with the normal flow,
Past is gone now, no time for regrets
Looking back I feel kind of blessed,
Because they’re a good bunch of friends
And my issues? No-one could have guessed.