A Shadow of a person I could’ve been. Hiding from the world out of guilt and shame. But I’m always seen. My personal space is my enemy and my friend. Living life or on pretend. How will it end?
Fighting the good fight takes all the emotions and more, until there’s nothing left. When will I feel free? To see past the dark and flee…
Think about it thoughts are just our imagination.
I’ve suffered with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, depression, OCD, and loneliness. The reoccurring theme, negative thoughts. Thoughts predicting the future, or worrying about something you did in the past, or fretting over things in the present. This affected me physically, mentally and emotionally.
Thoughts, and the feelings that go with them, which is really the problem, are not real. They feel real, but it’s an illusion. Your body is reacting to the fearful thought. But with intrusive thoughts the fret is not real, it feels real and that’s the downfall of many lives. The mind tries too hard to keep us safe when most of the time there’s really no danger.
Its imagination. The mind making stories up, just not very nice ones. The mind runs wild, thinking up different ways to keep you safe, stopping you coming to, or causing harm. It’s not real. Thoughts are not magic, we can’t see or predict the future. When you realise the actual thoughts don’t mean anything, they’re just imagination, you’re half way there to getting out of the nightmare.
For me when I was thinking these things I thought it meant something like i’m a bad person. It doesn’t. A thought is just a thought, only the scary and frightening ones stick because of their meaning. A thought about hurting my child stuck because of the consequences. A thought about cheese doesn’t stick because it doesn’t matter. But its the same thing, just a thought. If you try and get rid of, or control a thought, it stays, and so begins a vicious circle. Intrusive thoughts can be any subject, but usually one that is personal to you. it could be about abuse, sexual, violence, blasphemy and many more. In everyday, run-of-the-mill-people these thoughts are normal, they just affect some people more than others.
Distraction techniques didn’t work on me, rubber bands, or trying to change the negative thought with positive ones. Why? Because by doing these things you’re telling your mind that you shouldn’t be thinking these things, there’s something wrong with your mind or character. The truth is there isn’t. most of the population have intrusive, negative thoughts. It’s just a thought. A bad one but just a thought.
You can’t control your thoughts, you Can’t!, let them pass. Accept them, let them in, and proceed with your life.
What I did, I recognised this, put it in to practice. Used my imagination to create some good. Think of all that awesome imagination that people with ill mental health have. I used it, tapped into it as source for material. Tapped into the pain. By realising it’s just a thought it takes away the fear of the thought, the fear of expressing yourself. Thus the fear of many other things like socialising and talking to people. The fear LIFTS.
With the fear gone the imagination can run wild and be used for positive. The intrusive thoughts still come, but let them, and then leave, quick as a flash, because they don’t mean anything any more.
Without the fear of your thoughts everything else can fall into place. In my experience family, relationships, friends, confidence and socialising became easier and normal. Use this crazy, brilliant imagination to good use. All these scary programs and films come from someone’s imagination. Use it, tap into the dark and step out again unscathed.
Create something masterful or subtle. The time will come when you will brave enough to show other people. The fear of being judged would have gone, you won’t care what people think. It will give people a better understanding of you, and you of yourself.
Me my outlet was poetry, what’s your passion? Unlock it use that imagination, see what you come up with…
If you suffer with Intrusive thoughts read book below, it will change your life. It did mine. I got so much out of it I wrote to the author. She told me to spread the word, so here we are…
Humanity lifted high and proud
History gone, lived and learned
Mind has shifted, peace now allowed
Eyes opened, soul upside turned
Forgive makeshift will, mind was tainted
Parallel universe looped by a chain
The past picture drawn never painted
Etching smeared, washed with tears of rain
Annoyance and anger, burdening hate
Lived far cry of true person
Second childhood thoughts came late
Always sinking, a percentage certain
Whirlwind of emotion and feelings
Raw, slick, next day flood of regret
Quantity of crowds let down and reeling,
In stone the actions made but not set
Alcohol a fool’s gold amplifier
Clean body, clean slate, sound thinking
Long wait to have trust from a liar,
Fit actions and words with careful linking
With distance, social grace comes with ease,
It’s a chemical curse you can’t rescind
Helps to be forgiven though, the mind frees,
As with life? the answers in the wind