Honest

Why do I feel better when i hear people around me are in pain or suffering, am I glad it’s not me?.

What is that little bit of feeling deep inside that flutters when I realise someone else is worse off, family member, friend, or work colleague.

Hearing a person’s bad news awakes a second or two of hope in my mind.

Is it because I’m glad I’m not the weakest person in the room, even it’s just for the day? A relief of a kind of not being alone in torment.

This feeling may last seconds or hours, but it feeds on others bad and torrid times.

An inner voice that screams that maybe, just for today we won’t be the only black hole of a person. A shadow self that secretly loves hearing the failures of others.

Is it easily awoken in me because of my ill mental health, anxieties, and depression and offers some mental relief?.

Judging a person and smiling inside though externally offering support.

I Feel bad afterwards on reflection but knowing it will happen again and I will be glad.

But I want to live in a world where I can feel free and be in a mental position to help others who are suffering, without that split second of joy.

Its a paradox of knowing how it feels to suffer, having the empathy to help others, and wanting to help others, but having the relief and restbite that it’s not always me. I guess that’s just being human.

Maybe it’s better that way than being a person who has suffered and inflicts suffering onto others. Or a person who feels joy when they hear of peoples troubles, through a dislike or hatred.

On reflection I know it’s there and I acknowledge it. It’s part of who I am and what I’ve been through. My mind protects itself anyway it can, day-day. I know deep inside it makes me a better person, because in the end I can share the pain, empathise, and help.

Back Thought

Back Thought

From now on I will not judge myself,
Some people will judge me,
But I’m just a little lost inside and out,
Finding my own way,
Sometimes I act outside the norm,
In public I’m doing my best just to be there,
The first impression really worries me,
These thoughts make me anxious,
I predict bad things happening,
Usually my magical thinking never comes true,
Though spoken offence confirms my false reality,
What others do I can’t control,
I shouldn’t act as I feel others think,
This is my problem,
I feel a failure before I leave the house,
Need to learn not to always react,
And no longer will I Judge myself,
These are just intrusive thoughts,
In time my thinking will be clear

(Now read from bottom upwards)

It’s not worth wondering how your mind became to be this way. Its a unique magical entity but with a flaw.
A flaw can be changed, a learnt way unlearned, a messy head to a wondrous imagination.

Chris