Choose to climb
and escape the stone walls
that close in
like a dampening breath to the neck,
The goosebumps are real
coldness can’t be faked
neither can the dread which creeps from below,
Move or perish
from the hesitant pause
that captures indecisive minds
freezing the will to submission.
Or leave it to fate,
Let go and fall in to emptiness
become weightless in body and mind,
Float down star shaped
with eyes unable to close
as you look upward bidding farewell
part of the punishment of surrendering to hell,
Light dissolves in seconds
free falling in to darkness
to an eternal expanse.
Deviant whispers from nowhere
keep you from sleep
A choice to make,
Fall and drown forever as a prisoner
or climb and fight.
Is our future already written? Is that why some of us suffer, because we see glimpses of what’s to come. While others are blind to it. Living happy but blind to what lays ahead.
No of course not. Just another theory my messy mind has come up with to justify my avoiding, and testing myself in anxious situations. Giving up instead of increasing the effort.
Whatever is true, whatever the ending, make the beginning and middle honest, happy and true.
Change The Ending
The mind is adept at its own pretence
When a foreseeable ending claws at its sense
Rapid spate of change is hard to allow
Crystal clear thoughts, deviate from the brow
An uncontrolled destined moment in time
Perspectives of honesty bring up the divine
Amnesiac spaces previous and after
Brings the transition, not nearer nor faster
Change sparks defence to raise fully clad
Denial, like a sane man humouring the mad
A rapid such ending wretches the soul
Pulls what we possess to never let go
Our sleepless gut instinct, repulses the last
Repelling an echo of struggles near past
For even the efficient an ending feels strange
A limbo state not desiring to change
An unconscious unknown steadily beckons
Lifetime of intake, although its just seconds
Confusion is ripe though doesn’t persist
Without endings your presence wouldn’t exist
On ponder a moment which presents a choice
An alternate view to retain a lost voice
Reflect to proceed, an perceptive mind wins
Determine an ending is where a new first begins.
Speech for today
Out of the dark comes light
Out of the pain comes fight
When we panic we finally breathe
When we’re alone inside we grieve
Take away the fear and seal your fate
Take that imagination and go create
For we are unique and we seek peace
Within ourselves so we can release
A beauty of a wondrous soul
Waiting for the mind, to finally let go
You’re always going to get the slaters
Who when louder, turn to the haters
In reality they admire you from afar
They see you act as who you are
A passionate soul who can be themselves
In today’s world that’s a true wealth
It’s ‘if I want’, not that ‘I must!’
Your voice, is the voice to trust.
The inner voice, it can encourage but mostly it’s critical or plays it safe to keep you from harm. Embrace it, listen, but prove you are better then you show. Not for other people but for you.
When you battle the inner voice you also have to fight the external voices. The people who criticize because they can, because they are not happy in their world.
Shut off to the negative. They don’t know you. They can’t see the hunger is burning inside. It’s invisible to see but an unstoppable feeling.
Where others give in, fight. Become what you want to achieve, why not?
You can’t change other peoples actions or decisions, but you can yours.
Don’t talk yourself out of it, there’s enough people who try and do that. Be kind, be great, go create…
Feelings of emotional pain are the same for the mind as physical pain. Toothache sends a clear message to the brain that it hurts. Its the same for the victim of emotional pain.
In my experience the biggest emotional pain was loneliness. It sent the biggest to my brain that, ‘Yep this is bad, I don’t want to be here, lets go’
Being alone is different to feeling alone. I like being alone, bit of space, bit of quiet do my thing. Sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance, but either way I like my own company. And sometimes being alone can make you crave for some company, but it’s not a feeling of despair.
The most despairing feeling for me was the feeling of loneliness. In a room with friends or family and feeling totally alone, like no one understands me, I shouldn’t be here, or I don’t belong. I started questioning if I was living in a different time or the wrong dimension. And yes, I looked it up to see if it was possible.
The feelings came from me. I’ve seen quotes online saying that ‘it’s the people around you that make you feel alone’. For me this wasn’t the case. The people around me were just engaged with others, being social. The problem was I rarely engaged first, due to fear of being rejected.
If I engaged and got nothing back or a throw away comment, this would confirm my fears; that I’m totally socially inept and ‘Why would anyone engage with me I’m a loser, a no one. In the end I would usually bolt and leave, which in affect is avoidance, which is the worst thing you can do with any mental health issue.
I would be sat at home feeling even more alone and confirming to myself my fears were true.
It was no one else’s fault. the feelings came from me: me alone. I still remember the feeling. It stays with you. It’s the lowest of the low.
It was an illusion though. My thoughts and then my reaction (emotions) that followed made me feel this way. The people around were not purposely horrible or ignoring me, they were communicating. It was just a panic that hit me with the first few seconds of silence.
Alcohol helped to loosen me up, but it could go the other way too.
I usually stuck to a close friend or my brother so I’d have a least one person to talk too. But if they went to the toilet I’d feel lost, helpless, alone.
Today I’m not so bad. I don’t drink so I know my feelings and emotions I’m receiving are real, so I can deal with them. I just try to chill, look around me and relax.
With a relaxed mind I’ve looked to see a few other people on their own looking about, it happens. I’m not alone in being alone, physically or mentally.
These days if I’m left on my own I get my phone out to have a look (Who doesn’t), it feels like I’m interacting with someone (Which I’m not) and it gives my mind a distraction and something to do. If it helps use it, but I do try just to be in the moment and relax.
In my experiences with mental health the feeling of loneliness was the worst to for me to deal with. I felt like I was a loser, and that others were thinking that too, because I was being quiet and evasive.
I think recognising it was an illusion was my biggest saviour.
It’s a horrible debilitating feeling that stays with you.
If you see someone at a party sitting alone or looking uncomfortable, go and talk to them. They probably wont make the first move, but that doesn’t mean their not interesting, their probably just trying their hardest to stay.
It can across as arrogance, most of the time it’s nerves.
I used to love it, people making conversation first, it gave me a feeling of relief and a great distraction. It also helped dispel the myth I was telling myself about being worthless and uninteresting.
First step, like yourself, like being in your own company and relax, the rest will follow…
I’m not a fighter I’m a lover
But in my head I have to fight
Life is better shared with another
I’ve had that feeling, though very slight
Always been different, full of worries
I stand alone in a pit of despair
Don’t remember any happy memories
Though my blank look shows me there
A loner at birth, or fun scared away
Upbringing can slowly take away pieces
Fear and worry lurked on the fray
Not good news for a sociable species
Hard being alone with a family
Each day is guilt and pretence
I avoid as much as they allow me
To young minds it makes no sense
A social night is a passage of grief
Many let downs I’ve yet to atone
Invited feel nervous, not invited relief
Because in my head I’m always alone.
Whatever it is use it.
I’ve been in some very dark places where there is no way out, but alas here I am. Whatever it is use it! This imagination of ours is what keeps us down. We use it to create negative and sour happenings about ourselves turning our thoughts septic.
What worked for me to use it, create something, Poetry, painting, a story, a blog, photography, whatever feels right and for you to be able express yourself. It might awaken a passion deep inside.
In that pit of despair when you feel like doing nothing, write down those feelings, draw what it looks like, use the exact words or pictures in your head. Keep it for yourself or show people, whatever’s happening with you in that moment get it out there in the world, make it real, because when you make something real it feels like you’re dealing with it and it can be dealt with, instead of living in your head, manipulating your mind. Make it real, use it to get you to a better place.
This is what works for me. On bad days I write how I feel, being honest and true, and then use it for poetry. For me it works.
Doesn’t matter if it’s dark, it’s just imagination. Everyone has one. And depression, anxiety, OCD… etc and other sufferers have awesome imaginations. Don’t be scared of it, it comes from you.
All I can say is try, who knows what you may home up with. A deep hidden talent, or just a honest interpretation of what’s happening with you inside.
It may show a better understanding, to you and to other people.
Be inspired. Inspire yourself.