Suicide

Trying to create awareness.

An honest account of my near suicide thoughts and experiences, along with dealing with intrusive thoughts of suicide, for a majority of my life.

Touching briefly on witnessing suicide first hand and the emotions that follow. A poem on suicide to finish. Permission has been sought and granted by any third parties mentioned.

 

https://www.thecalmzone.net/   – The website for C.A.L.M, The campaign against living miserably. They deal with people who are feeling suicidal and families of suicides. A really good charity for anyone looking for answers on this topic.

Antidote

Run run run away
The thread is wearing thin
Escape escape escape this place
No one knows where you’ve been

Flee flee flee this hole
Don’t know what you might find
Help help help yourself
Take possession of your mind

Change change change direction
Squeeze the blood out from your hand
Free free free the poison
Maybe now you’ll understand.

Transition

The grey makes a becoming change,
Where it was dark, there’s now light,
The future wasn’t written just blanked out,
From dense and heavy to very bright

The journey from the dark came with struggles,
Obsessions came with their own withdrawal,
Finally breaking free liberated the pressures,
Now able to catch yourself if you fall

Inspiring the mind to keep the flame burning,
Blackness still beckons with a whimpering hand,
Journey from there to here has many obstacles,
You can now judge you! and understand

It’s about being honest and true,
Get out and be proud of how you feel,
Keep your head high and be much more,
Part of being yourself is keeping it real

Thoughts and feelings are now words and verse,
Part of showing the world what you can do,
The personal expectations have been lifted,
There’s no limit to where life can take you

Depression

It’s not a joke that worried look
And yes there’s such a thing as the blues
Smirking and sneering darkens my colour
This shade is not something I chose

I just need an ear to listen
It hurts when people speak over me
I prefer silence to any advice
Any hint of angst I’ll turn and flee

It’s a feeling not something you see
An invisible monster using sorrow as food
I don’t envy happy or joyous people
Just appreciate when I’m not in the mood

It’s probably really hard to understand
Even harder to try and explain
While you see no wounds on me
My soul is in complete and full pain

Just because I have this and not you
Doesn’t mean it’s not there or real
I’d give anything if just for five minutes
People tried to understand how I feel

Though you feel awkward when I am near
Hard to speak too with no response or sound
I also feel awkward and I’m afraid
That one day your stop coming around

Depression is a word where eyes roll
With sympathy it’s crossed off the list
People treat it the same as how I feel
Which is wishing I just didn’t exist.

Storm never came (Suicide lays dormant)

A reading of a poem I’ve previously published on this Blog.

We all can be close to this decision especially at this day in age with added pressures every week.

It’s good to create awareness and to talk about the reality in some peoples lives, to get it out there and not to be taboo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5RulV7Lgek

 

 

 

Missing Poster

In an environment among poor sanitation
Responsible adults on permanent vacation
Living in squalor, though I’m alive
A perfect base for anxiety to thrive
Didn’t anyone notice me silently there
Treated like this, higher quality in care
Timing is sharp, a cut of a knife
Left stranded, most important years of my life

One set of clothes and shoes on my feet
Broken bed where I had to sleep
Is this real, are people not seeing?
The withdrawn look of a young human being
Just one constant thought, who’s to blame?
Wrong size clothes at school, hell the shame
Left in my own festering hole
Anxiety had won, no fight left for control

Could have been worse, so I’ve been told
Should’ve face my own issues two-fold
No-one to look for, no end in sight
A mental health issue, that took all my fight
Should have shrunk deeper and really hid
No-one wants to be the strange weird kid

Loved and neglected, not a way to live
You learn to grow, learn to forgive
Had no encouragement, never been praised
The worst way for a kid like me to be raised
Teenage years became hell, dread each day
Thought my sadness would’ve gave it away
Playing the hands that other people were dealt
For some ignorance is bliss and that’s how it felt.

Worn out

Worn out

Why does have to be called Obsessive?
It makes it sound scary, odd and weird,
People nod when they hear mental health,
Mention obsessive they soon disappear,

Ignorance and unknown combine very well,
The obsessing makes you seem like a stalker,
The fixation is on something not real,
A complete unravelling life disorder

It’s true my mind stays focussed on one thing,
See it through to the point of destruction,
It can affect everyone that’s close to me,
But only through frustrated eruptions

So tell me what is OCD?
To be honest it’s hard to explain,
Poisons all good parts of your life,
And plays it over, again and again

A debilitating illness that’s in the top ten,
Scary to have and hard to make clear,
Addicted to a mystery disruptive routine,
Each obsession wipes away another year

Writing this last verse became an obsession,
All day thinking if it’s the right message I’m sending,
I guess when it comes to obsessions and compulsions,
There never really is a proper certain ending.

 

More a rant than a poem. Why does have to be so disruptive, it’s so painfully draining?

Sometimes it’s good to get out into words and be able to relate to it, and touch upon the emotions afterwards, when I’m in a good place.

That’s the thing about recovering you can tap into these dark cold places without getting stuck there. It’s easier to just look back and reflect with no fear of downward spiralling, or getting caught in the trap. I hope you enjoyed it,

Chris.