Loneliness

Feelings of emotional pain are the same for the mind as physical pain. Toothache sends a clear message to the brain that it hurts. Its the same for the victim of emotional pain.
In my experience the biggest emotional pain was loneliness. It sent the biggest to my brain that, ‘Yep this is bad, I don’t want to be here, lets go’

Being alone is different to feeling alone. I like being alone, bit of space, bit of quiet do my thing. Sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance, but either way I like my own company. And sometimes being alone can make you crave for some company, but it’s not a feeling of despair.

The most despairing feeling for me was the feeling of loneliness. In a room with friends or family and feeling totally alone, like no one understands me, I shouldn’t be here, or I don’t belong. I started questioning if I was living in a different time or the wrong dimension. And yes, I looked it up to see if it was possible.

The feelings came from me. I’ve seen quotes online saying that ‘it’s the people around you that make you feel alone’. For me this wasn’t the case. The people around me were just engaged with others, being social. The problem was I rarely engaged first, due to fear of being rejected.
If I engaged and got nothing back or a throw away comment, this would confirm my fears; that I’m totally socially inept and ‘Why would anyone engage with me I’m a loser, a no one. In the end I would usually bolt and leave, which in affect is avoidance, which is the worst thing you can do with any mental health issue.
I would be sat at home feeling even more alone and confirming to myself my fears were true.

It was no one else’s fault. the feelings came from me:  me alone. I still remember the feeling. It stays with you. It’s the lowest of the low.

It was an illusion though. My thoughts and then my reaction (emotions) that followed made me feel this way. The people around were not purposely horrible or ignoring me, they were communicating. It was just a panic that hit me with the first few seconds of silence.
Alcohol helped to loosen me up, but it could go the other way too.

I usually stuck to a close friend or my brother so I’d have a least one person to talk too. But if they went to the toilet I’d feel lost, helpless, alone.

Today I’m not so bad. I don’t drink so I know my feelings and emotions I’m receiving are real, so I can deal with them. I just try to chill, look around me and relax.
With a relaxed mind I’ve looked to see a few other people on their own looking about, it happens. I’m not alone in being alone, physically or mentally.

These days if I’m left on my own I get my phone out to have a look (Who doesn’t), it feels like I’m interacting with someone (Which I’m not) and it gives my mind a distraction and something to do. If it helps use it, but I do try just to be in the moment and relax.

In my experiences with mental health the feeling of loneliness was the worst to for me to deal with. I felt like I was a loser, and that others were thinking that too, because I was being quiet and evasive.
I think recognising it was an illusion was my biggest saviour.

It’s a horrible debilitating feeling that stays with you.

If you see someone at a party sitting alone or looking uncomfortable, go and talk to them. They probably wont make the first move, but that doesn’t mean their not interesting, their probably just trying their hardest to stay.
It can across as arrogance, most of the time it’s nerves.

I used to love it, people making conversation first, it gave me a feeling of relief and a great distraction. It also helped dispel the myth I was telling myself about being worthless and uninteresting.

First step, like yourself, like being in your own company and relax, the rest will follow…

 

Loner

I’m not a fighter I’m a lover
But in my head I have to fight
Life is better shared with another
I’ve had that feeling, though very slight

Always been different, full of worries
I stand alone in a pit of despair
Don’t remember any happy memories
Though my blank look shows me there

A loner at birth, or fun scared away
Upbringing can slowly take away pieces
Fear and worry lurked on the fray
Not good news for a sociable species

Hard being alone with a family
Each day is guilt and pretence
I avoid as much as they allow me
To young minds it makes no sense

A social night is a passage of grief
Many let downs I’ve yet to atone
Invited feel nervous, not invited relief
Because in my head I’m always alone.

Scared to Survive

We’re all a bit scared of living. There are always choices to make: scary choices.
With anxiety it’s the decisions of normal day-day stuff that can be scary.
Which shop to go to, will there be many people about?, shall I go out this week to see friends?, shall I go to this family party? All decisions that can seem scary to a born worrier.

Anxiety makes you look ahead, check if there’s any forthcoming decisions that need making, any worries to clear up in advance, even though that never happens. A normal week is a struggle, it takes a lot of mental work to function. Wearing the mask for other people to see, and then to be at home, and be honest with yourself knowing that’s another day wasted. Another day without joy, happiness or achievement.

You’ve had glimpses’ of it in the past, you know what it feels like. But that just feels like a gift you receive now or then. Or you feel you don’t really deserve to be happy, for what reason? there isn’t one. It’s a feeling and a thought, and none of them are facts.

It’s so hard to come out of the shadows and live. It’s been so long you forget how, or you never really knew how to embrace it to start with.

It’s never to late to escape the prison that you’ve created. To leave the comfort zone of a false kingdom. A King in a land of despair, anxiety disguised as a crown. The shadows are your enemies, the worries that surround, that stem from the dark.

Step foot in to the sun, feel the heat, it’s never to late to start living-use that imagination, create a better kingdom, a better world, out of the dark comes light…

 

Scared to Survive

In the back I hide
only edging out to the sun,
when my conscious allows me

Sometimes I play amongst the shadows
with whom I’m lost,
prisoner in freedom,
King in his Kingdom

Days come and leave
Years pass with no greater wisdom
or luxury of courage

Raindrops wet my appetite,
for a greener life of growth,
glistening of beauty

I choose,
to shelter down from the wind,
of the storm, dormant
in my mind

Panic shines a light,
pumps the blood,
still I don’t move,
from my spot of fragility

The cold of frost
affects my tears,
relays my fears,
tap, tapping
onto my body shell – echoing,
a rhythm to my desires

I feel the warmth,
crawling at the senses,
still I sit,
scared,
forever,
looking out,
to the wonder

Humour

We all need humour right? And people with negative thoughts, and sufferers of ill mental health have awesome sense of humours, we’re just to scared to show it, through fear of rejection or saying the wrong thing or offending.

But it’s there, along with the awesome imagination and when used it can build many positive connections.

Its the same as negative thoughts you can be creative and use your humour elsewhere, drawings, photos and captions, writing sketches, or videos.

Speaking personally I have a wicked and strange sense of humour, and when something hits me in the right spot, I’m off with the fairies laughing, creasing up. It just brings so much fun. Humour is a natural part of the mind which can be buried deep, but when reached and arisen to the surface it’s a dominant force overriding all.

Me I like to use poetry, so here’s a bit of light coming from the dark. . .

 

A Chance Romance at the Office

A door opened
My arm yanked back
In a pitch black room
With no grace or tact

Shut in a cupboard
The room really stinks
Opposite she inhales
Thank God I wore Lynx

Holds my hands
Stands real close
I can smell her breath
I think she’s had toast

Pulls me in for the kill
I hope i don’t spoil it
Squeezes me tight
So I now need the toilet

Snogs me hard
My heart races
I feel her tounge
Didn’t know she wore braces

Let’s out a sigh
Knowing she’s sinned
I let out air
But mine is just wind

The light then clicks on
And she sees my face
Her mouth drops
Now knowing her mistake

I’m not who she thought
You should of seen her
Run out the office
After kissing the cleaner

Her lover popped out
Steve from room two
Their having an affair
Only me that knew

They always meet here
Tounges down their throat
But Steve had to leave
So I nicked his coat.

 

Chris Chant 2018

 

 

 

Rumours

Choose not to believe
the lies and deceit
that deviants spread
and can’t be unsaid
A devil of deception
seduces their reception
with slanderous myths
of various trysts
They add to the absurd
from what they’ve heard
destroying minds
of an innocent kind
Exaggeration can kill
Can a liar feel
Is their conscious clear
when a victim is near
an edge of a gully
because of a bully
So don’t be naive
with what you believe
look at the source
and don’t be forced
into the game
of slandering a name
for the sake of fun
or disliking someone
With social media
it’s a lot easier
to make somebody bleed
by planting a seed
into empty shells
who don’t think for themselves
These people speaking
are just seeking
praise and attention
with no life to mention
Lies and rumour
a growing tumour
within our society
aiming for notoriety
It’s not clever
It’s no great endeavour
Help people, be kind
easing the mind
keep silent on the lies
Think with the wise.

Chris Chant 2018

Stand up

We are all living
We are all dying
Ask for forgiving
When the soul is flying

We can all speak
We can all be silent
Tested at our peak
When the world is violent

We can all act
We are all still
We choose to react
To help at will

We can all love
We can all hate
Cleanse the fisted glove
Before it’s too late

We can all kiss
We can all shout
Think of the effect
When we open our mouth

We can all laugh
We can all cry
Leave no wrath
When you die

We can choose wrong
We can choose right
No one belongs
In a sense of fright

We can all be kind
We can all be mean
We can all be blind
To the horrors we see

We can all be quiet
We all have a voice
We all have a chance
To make the right choice

Changes

The mind is adept at its own pretence
When a foreseeable ending claws at its sense
Rapid spate of change is hard to allow
Crystal clear thoughts deviate from the brow
An uncontrolled destined moment in time
Perspectives of honesty bring up the divine
Amnesiac spaces previous and after
Brings the transition not nearer nor faster

Change sparks defence to raise fully clad
Denial, like a sane man humouring the mad
A rapid such ending wretches the soul
Pulls what we possess to never let go
Our sleepless gut instinct repulses the last
Repelling an echo of struggles near past
For even the efficient an ending feels strange
A limbo state not desiring to change

An unconscious unknown steadily beckons
Lifetime of intake, although its just seconds
Confusion is ripe though doesn’t persist
Without endings your presence wouldn’t exist
On ponder a moment which presents a choice
An alternate view to retain a lost voice
Reflect to proceed, an perceptive mind wins
Determine an ending, is where a new first begins.

Short Game

Of course laws of attraction
Starts as you as a distraction
Not sure you’re a soul mate
Different days love and hate
Yes interested in names
No, not interested in games
Deep parts a need to know
Beautiful person, beautiful soul

Chemistry’s the right mix
One that works, one that clicks
Feel warmth inside each day
When bodies close, when far away
Not needy, not obsessive
There’s a time for being possessive
Space and time creates mystery
All have some kind of history

A calming force to help with sleep
Heavy heart when eyes weep
Honest and true if you could
break ups, only one understood
Speaks the truth until the end
elements of a life long friend.