Some Disorder

Take a moment
To catch a breath
Its complicated to imagine
The thoughts swirling in-depth

To normal, the lines are straight
For others mind is twisted
Most eyes see clean and clear
But in darkness sight is squinted

Sit straight as the tale is tall and true
And receivers do feel manipulated
For belief these disorders are real
Makes for uncomfortable and complicated

Concentration shuts off
The expression turns blank
No effort to understand
The eyes have rolled and sank

The Stories are true
No need for exaggeration
Many souls are lost
To their own imagination

Breakdown

We take a Calculated risk to open up
The eyes of our soul,
A window that cannot be closed
Or true reflections fabricated,
Each colour and thought
Between you and I
Varies in content
And meaning,
But we thrive to live
In this trapped consciousness
Of Tangled webs,
Entwined blind and twisted
In body and soul
In a chamber of darkness
Reminiscent of a demon concoction
Enduring endless deep emotions
At every turn,
We feel vindicated
That this voyage is just our journey
Not a journey of billions,
For this we feel guilt
Though we should not
As it’s a wasted expelling of energy
To comprehend
Where there is no answer,
I beg whoever
To close the portal of dark imagination,
Shut off the vivid dreams
That haunt our minds
And control the strings
Of daily torment.

Belief

We need to smooth the ride
For People that shouldn’t have died,
A spiritual involvement perhaps?
Before a person’s mind will collapse,
Every day, it happens every day
Vibrant lifes are taken away,
Just one, one other to understand
So life not extinguished by own hand.

Switch

Switch

Bored of the switchboard
Turning in my head
Dialing mostly crazy
Acting out dead

Bored of the switchboard
Forever out of tune
Keep twisting onto normal
But end up on the moon

Thoughts are playing over
Set at the wrong speed
No wonder life is fuzzy
No wonder my nose bleeds

Spinning on a rock pile
Insanity to unique
The only guarantee
Crazy is on repeat.

Back to Life

What if I died
And this is all a dream,
The accident was fatal
And my mind is teasing the news To my subconscious
Of the reality of my death,
An amputation to signal a loss,
Losing two fingers
telling the mind I’m slowly dying,
Disappearing away
Bit by bit
Piece by piece,

What if I died
In that instant of terror,
Snapping my head in to limbo,
Bringing an illusion of survival
An alternate version of events
Where I still live, for awhile at least,

Now I have detected, and felt
This true reality,
Am I ready?
Ready for the darkness,
Or whatever awaits me,
If anything,
Ready to leave this eighteen month fairytale
Written in my mind,
Is it better to fake a life in ignorance,
Live in a dream state,
Interact as normal
Or just realise my fate?

It’s out of my hands
I must sleep, but will I ever wake again?
And if I awaken the next morning
Will the feeling still hang over me,
That whatever path I follow,
I’m living on borrowed time.

Underneath the sky

Do you know the fear
Of stepping outside,
Shaking with exhaustion,
To have Convulsions
With the thought
Of impending doom
From venturing in to the world.

Choosing instead to stay
In the zone of comfort,
Ride out the anxiety,
Hide from any knocking doors,
Cover my ears, praying they will leave,
Eyes tightly shut, only opening
To Time watch the clock,
Waiting,
Until the deadline passes
That I was expected.

At this time relief sets in
A weight is lifted,
Able to exhale,
Even though I’ve failed,
Let people down
Through not turning up,
Ruining reputation,
Using up all the forgiveness allowed,
Resulting in bad looks and stares from afar.

Even though because of this,
I’m relieved,
I didn’t have to go,
Put myself through hell
By advancing through the front door,
I can live with this for tonight,
Enjoy the feeling of safety,
Celebrate my avoidance,
I’ve got away with it once again…
Until the next time.

Turn back time

I miss my friend
He had an affliction,
He never opened up
About his addiction,
But he was full of emotion
And loyalty in life,
If he could help you he would
Without thinking twice,
Drink was his weakness
Friendship his bond,
When suicide came
Everyone bowed to his song,
I’ll never forget my friend
I wish he didn’t die,
When that day comes around
I always look up to the sky.

Amputated

Two fingers amputated due to a work accident.
For a recreational writer and poet it can be a massive setback.
Not being able to make notes quickly, and struggling to get motivated or creative when looking at a loss which is so obvious in front of my face.
Worrying what other people think of my deformity.

But we must crack on and tell our story.
I’ve suffered mentally in the past, and now physically.
Because it’s my writing hand I feel like I’m being tormented or warned by some higher power.

But alas that is just my imagination, which is still fully intact.
I will adapt and embrace the change. Though it may be a slower process, words will still flow and my story will go on…

Two Halves

This poem is featured in the Poetry book – Encryption of the Mind.
Which is now available to buy or download from Amazon and other good bookstores or

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/encryption-mind
❤👍

Two halves

You may think these words are heavy
It’s hard not to be with mental illness
Most would of stopped reading by now
Some stayed just to be curious

Maybe you stayed because you can relate,
To how it felt and how it affected you
The Love, fear, happiness and hate
We’re constantly have, and are going through

Those first two verses were written when really low,
God, reading it brings me down
But only to a level of understanding
All part of turning your life around

Well, you got this far, and not by chance
Seen off the mysterious voices
Freedom is a wonderful thing
Being able to make life choices

A lot of life has been wasted
Solving an impossible puzzle
Time to look past, look forward
Take off that emotional muzzle

I don’t want to end this like I’m preaching,
But theres one thing I’ve identified,
If you do relate, then you’re a kind, loyal,
Beautiful, passionate, creative, ambitious and caring person…
… Don’t hide!