Back to Life

What if I died
And this is all a dream,
The accident was fatal
And my mind is teasing the news To my subconscious
Of the reality of my death,
An amputation to signal a loss,
Losing two fingers
telling the mind I’m slowly dying,
Disappearing away
Bit by bit
Piece by piece,

What if I died
In that instant of terror,
Snapping my head in to limbo,
Bringing an illusion of survival
An alternate version of events
Where I still live, for awhile at least,

Now I have detected, and felt
This true reality,
Am I ready?
Ready for the darkness,
Or whatever awaits me,
If anything,
Ready to leave this eighteen month fairytale
Written in my mind,
Is it better to fake a life in ignorance,
Live in a dream state,
Interact as normal
Or just realise my fate?

It’s out of my hands
I must sleep, but will I ever wake again?
And if I awaken the next morning
Will the feeling still hang over me,
That whatever path I follow,
I’m living on borrowed time.

Underneath the sky

Do you know the fear
Of stepping outside,
Shaking with exhaustion,
To have Convulsions
With the thought
Of impending doom
From venturing in to the world.

Choosing instead to stay
In the zone of comfort,
Ride out the anxiety,
Hide from any knocking doors,
Cover my ears, praying they will leave,
Eyes tightly shut, only opening
To Time watch the clock,
Waiting,
Until the deadline passes
That I was expected.

At this time relief sets in
A weight is lifted,
Able to exhale,
Even though I’ve failed,
Let people down
Through not turning up,
Ruining reputation,
Using up all the forgiveness allowed,
Resulting in bad looks and stares from afar.

Even though because of this,
I’m relieved,
I didn’t have to go,
Put myself through hell
By advancing through the front door,
I can live with this for tonight,
Enjoy the feeling of safety,
Celebrate my avoidance,
I’ve got away with it once again…
Until the next time.

Turn back time

I miss my friend
He had an affliction,
He never opened up
About his addiction,
But he was full of emotion
And loyalty in life,
If he could help you he would
Without thinking twice,
Drink was his weakness
Friendship his bond,
When suicide came
Everyone bowed to his song,
I’ll never forget my friend
I wish he didn’t die,
When that day comes around
I always look up to the sky.

Amputated

Two fingers amputated due to a work accident.
For a recreational writer and poet it can be a massive setback.
Not being able to make notes quickly, and struggling to get motivated or creative when looking at a loss which is so obvious in front of my face.
Worrying what other people think of my deformity.

But we must crack on and tell our story.
I’ve suffered mentally in the past, and now physically.
Because it’s my writing hand I feel like I’m being tormented or warned by some higher power.

But alas that is just my imagination, which is still fully intact.
I will adapt and embrace the change. Though it may be a slower process, words will still flow and my story will go on…

Two Halves

This poem is featured in the Poetry book – Encryption of the Mind.
Which is now available to buy or download from Amazon and other good bookstores or

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/encryption-mind
❤👍

Two halves

You may think these words are heavy
It’s hard not to be with mental illness
Most would of stopped reading by now
Some stayed just to be curious

Maybe you stayed because you can relate,
To how it felt and how it affected you
The Love, fear, happiness and hate
We’re constantly have, and are going through

Those first two verses were written when really low,
God, reading it brings me down
But only to a level of understanding
All part of turning your life around

Well, you got this far, and not by chance
Seen off the mysterious voices
Freedom is a wonderful thing
Being able to make life choices

A lot of life has been wasted
Solving an impossible puzzle
Time to look past, look forward
Take off that emotional muzzle

I don’t want to end this like I’m preaching,
But theres one thing I’ve identified,
If you do relate, then you’re a kind, loyal,
Beautiful, passionate, creative, ambitious and caring person…
… Don’t hide!

Happy People

Happy People

I’m sinking
Sinking in drinking
Swallowing my soul,
Im thinking, thinking
Of sinking
Swallowed down whole

I’m breathing
Breathing in light
Where darkness still reigns,
I’m sorry
Sorry for everything
Guilt runs through my veins

I’m leaving
Leaving through time
I’ve nothing left,
Come find me
Find me in peace
There’s no judgement in death.

I Dont like Wednesdays

I Don’t Like Wednesdays

Days are set in limbo
To which I will explode,
These times I’ve grown to hate
With Life falling on this date,
Clocks have all the power
Striking on doomed hours,
Wilting bodies until raw
Curling naked in a ball,
Drowning in self sweat
Flooding rooms with regret,
Please wake me up on the bell
When the days are not in hell.

For no man

When’s there’s no immediate danger
Worry people worry about time,
Haunted by the past and future
By a spectre of the present,
In the now, time doesn’t exist
Until you ask its whereabouts
And trace its movements,
Once spotted it’s hidden
Amongst the angst and worry,
And then just like that it’s gone,

Is half a second
Worth the fret of not living,
To die waiting
For the next half second
To be fruitful,
Until finally it mounts up
To a lifetime of looking back,
Regrets,
And just death to look forward to.

The Poet

These words are my own
Unless you want to use them,
Change the order, add some,
Take others away, I dont care
But no swear words,
Theres no need for obscenity
To show your emotions,
Especially when its left on display
In black and white.
Cry with them as I do
Plead, beg and be stubborn
As they bring your story
To life,
Others we see so many interpretations
Written Between the lines.
Its truly amazing,
Scatter the letters
Use your ideas
Fill your scrap book
With joy, hope and tears,
But for now,
At this moment in time
For this forever verse
These words are mine.