If I had to write this with compulsions
It would take a hour for each word An empty shell with a story to tell
Thank heavens I can now be heard
Blurry lyrics or a collection of genius
My perception they all make sense
A messy mind had a complex calm
Writing this feels so intense
My lowest point, I’d be counting letters
Fragile with anger in my darkest hour
Turning pages a bittersweet torment
Anxiety risen, a story turned sour
Six months I’ve received this calm gift
Continued to put paper to pen
A thought stuck in the back of my mind,
Will my creative desire be grounded again?
Youth was hell, middle age is now
Although the middle feels like pretend,
Because what if this just six months relief,
Keep questioning how’s it going to end?
This thought really struck hard
A pool of water drowning my flair
The best way to be guided forward,
Is to make it real, stick it out there
A clear mind feels to good to be pure
Intrusive thoughts, a form of creative theft
If I couldn’t produce my written work,
My impression is, I’d have nothing left
I’m pleased my lyrics are not lost in translation
It’s where my silent mind has its speech
Forever fighting this fermenting stigma
I hope its helped someone, the people it has reached…
Wipe the moisture from words spoken
Then was a different time.
A shallow belief in the healing power
Not only appearances change
Internal aspects develop
Maturing to produce surprising acts.
I wish we would meet once more
My personality now encouraged to spread.
Stood from where it hid
Shadowed and intimidated
By beauty and popularity.
I was neither in my own eyes
Abuse proved the ideals of my self worth
Mirrored and lived
Through the script of thoughts.
Still my reflection is disgruntled
Shattered pieces of soul
Depicting memories of scattered remains.
Love is an echo
a wind that seeks a home
extinguishing candles of dejection
lit by praying souls,
Possessing my willing heart
with a harmonious breeze
I need not want for more emotion
as it brings me to my knees,
Shriek out to the world
as love flows through my veins
I’ve never see the sun before
I’ve only lived through rains
When you go to sleep
I shall weep
In private, tears will fall
Requiring help, I won’t call
Cries drown my pillow
From days of sorrow
Always a restless hour
With thoughts turning sour
Awake in a personal hell
Mind is my prison cell
Cut me open, make it swift
Bleed me empty, as a gift
Blood shall be my last weep
Peace now, forever sleep
Sharing my head with an additional voice
A vigilant double skilfully taking over
Pushing me out to elevate it’s own purpose,
I surrender admitting my failure
Of surviving life and existence
I sense ‘It’ clouding each decision
Questioning my clarity,
I’m happy to pass over this burden
Of hell eclipsed in my mind,
Here take me my dark twin
And thrive in this shell!
When at peace you were benign
At war you became malignant,
Displaying me as diseased
Dropping blood in my tears
I finally fall out of power
Succumbing to the invasion of life,
You win, feel free to dance in my skin
Smile in to the mirror
Touch your recent corporal self
Now I’m the reflection
Buried deep still feeling the emotions
That you chose to suppress,
Unable to die or sleep
Dead though immortal
My slights of anxiety
Now surpassed by your confidence
And sociopathic ways of living,
A shadow of consciousness remains
Trapped in torment, looking up, looking out
A realisation I have undertaken a greatest sin
Shelving responsibility to a misconception,
Seduced by demons or demon
The dark side of my brain,
A mistake too final to comprehend
As long as my visual double still breathes
I shall suffer
Forever awake and forever aware
That my soul, I wasn’t meant to share
Imagination becomes a foe.
All of a sudden I crack – Snap,
Then lost in the commotion
the mind gets dense
unable to travel mentally
and my eyes are vice like shut.
Reached the pinnacle of panic
If I died now so be it – False statement
I know this can’t kill me
It just makes me stronger.
This anxiety is a passing shot
a warning with no substance
that used to never end
or that’s how it felt.
As a scene in a film
the mind zooms back to focus
back to the beginning.
Open my eyes, slowly
I’m in reality now, real time
knelt to the floor but alive.
Nod appreciation to the helpers.
The episodes are shortening
as I’m learning
to cope with the bad days.
I remind myself
I bring on the fear
I can take it away.