When you go to sleep
I shall weep
In private, tears will fall
Requiring help, I won’t call
Cries drown my pillow
From days of sorrow
Always a restless hour
With thoughts turning sour
Awake in a personal hell
Mind is my prison cell
Cut me open, make it swift
Bleed me empty, as a gift
Blood shall be my last weep
Peace now, forever sleep
Sharing my head with an additional voice
A vigilant double skilfully taking over
Pushing me out to elevate it’s own purpose,
I surrender admitting my failure
Of surviving life and existence
I sense ‘It’ clouding each decision
Questioning my clarity,
I’m happy to pass over this burden
Of hell eclipsed in my mind,
Here take me my dark twin
And thrive in this shell!
When at peace you were benign
At war you became malignant,
Displaying me as diseased
Dropping blood in my tears
I finally fall out of power
Succumbing to the invasion of life,
You win, feel free to dance in my skin
Smile in to the mirror
Touch your recent corporal self
Now I’m the reflection
Buried deep still feeling the emotions
That you chose to suppress,
Unable to die or sleep
Dead though immortal
My slights of anxiety
Now surpassed by your confidence
And sociopathic ways of living,
A shadow of consciousness remains
Trapped in torment, looking up, looking out
A realisation I have undertaken a greatest sin
Shelving responsibility to a misconception,
Seduced by demons or demon
The dark side of my brain,
A mistake too final to comprehend
As long as my visual double still breathes
I shall suffer
Forever awake and forever aware
That my soul, I wasn’t meant to share
Imagination becomes a foe.
All of a sudden I crack – Snap,
Then lost in the commotion
the mind gets dense
unable to travel mentally
and my eyes are vice like shut.
Reached the pinnacle of panic
If I died now so be it – False statement
I know this can’t kill me
It just makes me stronger.
This anxiety is a passing shot
a warning with no substance
that used to never end
or that’s how it felt.
As a scene in a film
the mind zooms back to focus
back to the beginning.
Open my eyes, slowly
I’m in reality now, real time
knelt to the floor but alive.
Nod appreciation to the helpers.
The episodes are shortening
as I’m learning
to cope with the bad days.
I remind myself
I bring on the fear
I can take it away.
The chattering begins
Hands scratch at the noises – scrape, scraping
that brings itchiness and irritants
to this controlled invasion.
A mind built of glass
cracked at the foundations.
Lucid thoughts shatter houses.
The Scattering shards produce a prickly sensation
Trespassing in the brain
leaving jagged edges
and haunted images.
I can see the ghosts of shame
walking the corridors
accusing the past.
My silent screams scare no-one.
Walls closing in
evaporating my screams
suffocating my dreams.
I surrender to the torment
lying back on protruded thorns
that pay homage to the sacrifice.
Breath diminished, colludes with the flames
causing an energy collapse
which leaves the mind broken
to a body unclaimed.
Of whole being and surrounding life
Wakes suspicions that lye deep,
Of being held back
By the ropes of family ties.
Blaming those close,
Though media taps the conscious
Convincing the soul that superiority
Should flourish in all aspects of life,
Forcing perfect and diversity to collide.
Envious of images and dialogue,
Paraded by distant friends
And choosing to believe these mockeries
Makes you unfulfilled.
Feelings brought on
By an exaggerated tale,
Fake below the surface,
Creating a paradox of modern culture,
Engaging with the masses
Through pretence social outlets,
Leaves depression in its wake
Creating polluted remorseful souls,
Though it rages on.
Feelings of inadequacy ingrained.
Compare is to scare,
Choose intimacy over distance
Trust warmth by consequence of touch.
‘Not more words from prophet of doom
Where does this soul find the room?’
‘Its true I write the bad I’ve felt
Dark places I’ve been, edges I’ve knelt
‘Inside their head those words of pain
What do they ever hope to gain?’
‘An outlet I use, a voice to spread
Of all the things I wished I said’
‘I bet they always need help and reliance
Bringing people down with their awkward silence’
‘I feel the tensions, sense the sound
Its harder sometimes when I’m around’
We’ve all had issue’s, we just don’t tell
Why do they have to sulk and dwell’
‘I’m affected worse it’s my mind you see
Stick around I’m actually quite funny’
‘Truth is I don’t understand or relate
Surely writing this will seal their fate’
‘I want to feel joy and that’s the key
Depressions easy to feel but harder to see’
‘Just carry on, life’s way too short
We all suffer, just don’t give it a thought’
‘I suffer alone, head in my hand
The reasons why I don’t understand’
Its hard tolerating someone who you feel is not acting how you want them to. In a anxious, angry or depressive state, how the other person thinks or feels doesn’t come into the equation as you are just concentrating on the matter in hand that’s affecting you.
I find when your in a desperate, anxious situation the tolerance and patience levels goes right down and you lose it at any kind of negative response.
Someone who can tolerate, understand and recognise these elements in certain people with mental health issues or just in general, and to be able to carry on with their own lives normally without judgement or criticism are people to treasure.
As someone that has ill mental health I understand how people don’t understand. To feel how I feel is totally unique to others. Its just Alien to people on the other side of the health spectrum. Once I understood that, paradoxically I could be more open about my feelings, because in the end it doesn’t matter, I still thought I was being judged and stared at, so I thought I just as well talk about it honestly.
Every now and then I’d get a response of support and understanding and this becomes and wondrous moment.