Night is calling
Eyes bare the weight
of lights burden
creating a pathway
to the calm
Sleep briefly takes
But awakes, Yes!
By the finger poke
A false jump
The world shook?
But somethings afoot
A brain junkie
Dark’s its playground
Times its prey
A friendly foe
Ally of games
Tickles the mind
Tortures the sane
No, not real!
In my mind
Does still calm
Stir the mind?
And dark black
Awake the blind
A false paranoia
Takes a special kind of person
To turn their back on blood
A frozen shell that never breaks
Holding back the emotional flood
Would it spark a bit of love
If we all started to cry?
I feel that chapters been read
The words turning to a lie
You break a branch then climb
Damaging the family tree
Moving to a new orchard
Happy to be free
Never caring to look back
Even though you planted the seed
I guess I’ll never know
If your heart slowly bleeds.
When family doesn’t want to understand your mental health. When they’ve moved on, remarried and in their eyes starting with a clean slate.
I’ve found you can’t warm the coldest of hearts or change the most empty of minds.
The mind is adept at its own pretence
When a foreseeable ending claws at its sense
Rapid spate of change is hard to allow
Crystal clear thoughts, deviate from the brow
An uncontrolled destined moment in time
Perspectives of honesty bring up the divine
Amnesiac spaces previous and after
Brings the transition, not nearer nor faster
Change sparks defence to raise fully clad
Denial, like a sane man humouring the mad
A rapid such ending wretches the soul
Pulls what we possess to never let go
Our sleepless gut instinct, repulses the last
Repelling an echo of struggles near past
For even the efficient an ending feels strange
A limbo state not desiring to change
An unconscious, unknown steadily beckons
Lifetime of intake, although its just seconds
Confusion is ripe though doesn’t persist
Without endings your presence wouldn’t exist
On ponder a moment which presents a choice
An alternate view to retain a lost voice
Reflect to proceed, an perceptive mind wins
Determine an ending, is where a new first begins.
Why do I feel better when i hear people around me are in pain or suffering, am I glad it’s not me?.
What is that little bit of feeling deep inside that flutters when I realise someone else is worse off, family member, friend, or work colleague.
Hearing a person’s bad news awakes a second or two of hope in my mind.
Is it because I’m glad I’m not the weakest person in the room, even it’s just for the day? A relief of a kind of not being alone in torment.
This feeling may last seconds or hours, but it feeds on others bad and torrid times.
An inner voice that screams that maybe, just for today we won’t be the only black hole of a person. A shadow self that secretly loves hearing the failures of others.
Is it easily awoken in me because of my ill mental health, anxieties, and depression and offers some mental relief?.
Judging a person and smiling inside though externally offering support.
I Feel bad afterwards on reflection but knowing it will happen again and I will be glad.
But I want to live in a world where I can feel free and be in a mental position to help others who are suffering, without that split second of joy.
Its a paradox of knowing how it feels to suffer, having the empathy to help others, and wanting to help others, but having the relief and restbite that it’s not always me. I guess that’s just being human.
Maybe it’s better that way than being a person who has suffered and inflicts suffering onto others. Or a person who feels joy when they hear of peoples troubles, through a dislike or hatred.
On reflection I know it’s there and I acknowledge it. It’s part of who I am and what I’ve been through. My mind protects itself anyway it can, day-day. I know deep inside it makes me a better person, because in the end I can share the pain, empathise, and help.