Tag / intrusive thoughts

by Chris Chant

Speech for Today

Speech for today

Out of the dark comes light
Out of the pain comes fight
When we panic we finally breathe
When we’re alone inside we grieve
Take away the fear and seal your fate
Take that imagination and go create
For we are unique and we seek peace
Within ourselves so we can release
A beauty of a wondrous soul
Waiting for the mind, to finally let go

You’re always going to get the slaters
Who when louder, turn to the haters
In reality they admire you from afar
They see you act as who you are
A passionate soul who can be themselves
In today’s world that’s a true wealth
It’s ‘if I want’, not that ‘I must!’
Your voice, is the voice to trust.

The inner voice, it can encourage but mostly it’s critical or plays it safe to keep you from harm. Embrace it, listen,  but prove you are better then you show. Not for other people but for you.

When you battle the inner voice you also have to fight the external voices. The people who criticize because they can, because they are not happy in their world.
Shut off to the negative. They don’t know you. They can’t see the hunger is burning inside. It’s invisible to see but an unstoppable feeling.
Where others give in, fight. Become what you want to achieve, why not?

You can’t change other peoples actions or decisions, but you can yours.
Don’t talk yourself out of it, there’s enough people who try and do that. Be kind, be great, go create…

by Chris Chant

Demons

I walk down this alley where the shadows make a claim,

Not sure where I’m going but the darkness speaks my name,

Left open handed with no help for a guide,

Eyesight draws a blank to the dagger by my side,

Dark becomes an enemy and the blackness blinds,

Spitting out obscenities as love and hate combines,

Impossible to stop this flow from the enemy,

Spitting out pain, screaming out blasphemy,

Still I walk like some kind of freak, Searching in hell for the soul that I seek,

Set upon verbally with emotion and scorn,

Been on this road since the day I was born,

Dispair cries out in damming distress,

‘Why doesn’t he give in to the loneliness’,

I block out the sound, use all my strength,

Fight through this painful self-made Labyrinth,

Still I trudge where caves act as a hood,

Time stands still and the Angels do no good,

Not stopping to pray, walk to nothing’s left,

Eternal damnation where peace lies in death,

Demons disperse hoping I’ll stop and relent,

Closest it comes to any kind of sentiment,

Until such weight is lifted, I’ll just fight the good fight,

Head towards the dark, because out of the dark comes light

by Chris Chant

Suicide

Trying to create awareness.

An honest account of my near suicide thoughts and experiences, along with dealing with intrusive thoughts of suicide, for a majority of my life.

Touching briefly on witnessing suicide first hand and the emotions that follow. A poem on suicide to finish. Permission has been sought and granted by any third parties mentioned.

 

https://www.thecalmzone.net/   – The website for C.A.L.M, The campaign against living miserably. They deal with people who are feeling suicidal and families of suicides. A really good charity for anyone looking for answers on this topic.

by Chris Chant

Redemption

I’ve always been a fan of Angel, the spin off from Buffy. This is because I like the idea of redemption and being able to fight for it, and in the end earn the worth for forgiveness and live normal again.

The problem was I felt like I was fighting for redemption trying to rid my curse, and the truth was I’ve done nothing wrong, nothing at all. My intrusive thoughts and my anxiety was making me feel this way. Making me feel I’m a horrible, terrible, person that deserves no happiness.

So I had these feelings that I need forgiveness, from others and myself. This was just an illusion, my mind being over cautious to keep me safe. Paradox anyone?

Along with my obsessive nature I became obsessed with the idea, fight the good fight and lose the bad thoughts. How did I fight the good fight I hear you say. By staying in, staying away from people so I couldn’t hurt anyone or do anything wrong (Angel after he regained his soul) Not that I have before or since, but my thoughts and my feelings were telling me that, to keep me safe, and then in the end maybe some divine intervention will make the thoughts go away.

Yeah right, I just ended up in solitude with a can of beer watching television every night wasting my life away.

Learning about intrusive thoughts helped me out of this, and deep down I knew the thoughts were overacting.

What it did help me with though was looking at other people. Giving other people a second, third chance at redemption. With my alcoholic parent, I knew she was a good person, had a good character, it was just the drink that made her horrible or illusive. I kept giving her chances and now she’s the best Mum and Nan in the world.

So empty redemption, searching for it when there’s no reason, that’s what intrusive thoughts can do. But thoughts and feeling are not facts, it was my reactions to them that was the problem. It’s your character, your choices in life that define you.

But life is full of second chances and offering one to someone can make all the difference in their lives.

After all we all have our demons, it’s just some are real and some are imagined. Sometimes Its hard to decide which is worst.

Up

Words are the heartbeat of the mind
The conscious shuts off to the world
though not blind
you see all and everything
above all you see
The beauty in others
and yourself
face to face
there is no disguise
because where the soul shines through
and cannot lie
is through the eyes

Chris

by Chris Chant

Honest

Why do I feel better when i hear people around me are in pain or suffering, am I glad it’s not me?.

What is that little bit of feeling deep inside that flutters when I realise someone else is worse off, family member, friend, or work colleague.

Hearing a person’s bad news awakes a second or two of hope in my mind.

Is it because I’m glad I’m not the weakest person in the room, even it’s just for the day? A relief of a kind of not being alone in torment.

This feeling may last seconds or hours, but it feeds on others bad and torrid times.

An inner voice that screams that maybe, just for today we won’t be the only black hole of a person. A shadow self that secretly loves hearing the failures of others.

Is it easily awoken in me because of my ill mental health, anxieties, and depression and offers some mental relief?.

Judging a person and smiling inside though externally offering support.

I Feel bad afterwards on reflection but knowing it will happen again and I will be glad.

But I want to live in a world where I can feel free and be in a mental position to help others who are suffering, without that split second of joy.

Its a paradox of knowing how it feels to suffer, having the empathy to help others, and wanting to help others, but having the relief and restbite that it’s not always me. I guess that’s just being human.

Maybe it’s better that way than being a person who has suffered and inflicts suffering onto others. Or a person who feels joy when they hear of peoples troubles, through a dislike or hatred.

On reflection I know it’s there and I acknowledge it. It’s part of who I am and what I’ve been through. My mind protects itself anyway it can, day-day. I know deep inside it makes me a better person, because in the end I can share the pain, empathise, and help.

by Chris Chant

Thoughts of an OCD mind

A New Video – Thoughts of an OCD mind

A truthful and honest account of the history of my OCD and how it affected me growing up, Relationships, family, school, friends…
Describing the hang ups that come with it, Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Depression, intrusive thoughts, and others.

Finishing with how to be creative with the thoughts and a poem about OCD.

 

 

 

by Chris Chant

First Thoughts

Echoes in the mind
Flow rampant, encircling
Affecting most prominent responses
Albeit listened
It is unmoving
Though unnerving

The primary speaks truth
Imitations less reliant
Consistent in its perseverance

A skimming stone 
Simmering to a sunken weight
Dead in the water
Sits of an innocence
Vibrating ripples of continuance