Chemistry

A women stands before me

Waiting to be kissed

We get lost in the moment

Lustful heat not to be missed

 

She surrenders to me

Breaths then pauses – stops

Knowing it will never come to anything

She’s right, she’s worth more than a night

 

One lapse of judgement

Is all she allows

Enough for conscious to peak

She pulls away – hushes my speak

 

Experienced in restraint

Recognizing the reality

What would be a lifetimes guilt

This passion of humanity

 

The responsible adult

I’m the impulsive youth

Emotionally foolhardy

She recognizes this truth

 

Still treats me with respect

Strokes my chest

A love quest, a lustful chance

Not risking hearts on a fated romance.

Mountain Boat

Questioning existence
Leads to resistance
Looking for blame
Why I feel this shame
For not being more
Living life with a crawl
With no ambition or hope
On a slippery slope
Where all are superior
I’m stuck on my rear
Looking at the others
Sisters and brothers
Who walked the walk
Cut out the talk
Got to the top
Where I had to stop
I’ve had enough
Life’s to damn tough

Hand from a stranger
No coldness or danger
Or judging or shame
No need for a name
Explanation not needed
No excuse to be heeded
Picked me up where I sat
I needed that
The journey is long
Just makes you strong
Though it took a while
Done with a smile
Now I understand
Give myself a hand
Because I’ve come so far
With many a scar
A chance to embrace
Life’s new face

Yes

Having the will to be critical and angry,
To encourage, I didn’t have the energy
Being ‘pretend’ happy got me nowhere,
Touch of sarcastic praise, ‘there there’
I shouted and shouted to seem taller,
The realism, as a person I was smaller

Anxiety closing in, please let me out
Only option left was to try and shout
Hard to describe the way I felt
Not living real, playing the hand I’m dealt
Trying to be kind, by being cruel
Ending with someone, before they end with you

The only happiness came at the end of a bar,
Ending relationships, before they got too far,
To the extent of cheating, being immature,
Did nothing for my personality, or stature
Before they see I have an anxious mind
To show my real feelings, I would be blind

Had to get out, put my sanity first,
The OCD had an unquenchable thirst
When I laughed, or played at being a brat,
My self preservation had kicked in, only I knew that
The irony is, of ending all ties,
Is turning to drink, who Fed me all lies

I was lonely alone and I needed out
Put a pin in my pain and please bleed me out
Pretty much treated everyone the same,
Looking to leave you, looking real lame
If I let you down I have no excuse,
apart from wanting to be a full time recluse

OCD, anxiety, depression, I could go on
Not for sympathy or any attention,
After 30 years now my script is my own,
The mind dictator, has been disowned
A sea of uncertainty for years I swam,
Haven’t drowned yet so here I am,

My life was a pebble, buried in the sand
With help I was excavated safely to land
Allowed to sit in the sun and shine
I can be myself with no invisible whine
So though in the past, I did act very strange,
a little understanding would be good, coz believe me I’ve changed.

Time Stood Still

In the darkness, the path seems clearer
Blinking eyes makes time come nearer
History passes like a camera flicking
Slowly watching it pass in a series of ticking
Usually imagined futures are bleak
Try to endure, just a sense of a peak
I see figures faded, wrapped up in time
Shaky blurred muttering in a speechless mime

Given the grace of the family I craved
Raw emotions, anguish, new paths this paved
Numbing of the mind, then and this hour
Powering like the sea, turning memories sour
Holding my head, feeling balanced and brave
Yearning to leave a legacy before the grave
Bringing life into a disconnected mind
Logic and emotion together combined

The heart gets stretched like skin on a hand
Pushing the blood, like water through sand
Fighting like a stag to hold onto the present
Losing my reality, losing my essence
The people we love, and those we’ve told
Still can’t understand the shape of this mould
If time stood still, and all that was left was the night
Would this be bliss? Not having to see, not having to fight…