Imagination

Think about it thoughts are just our imagination.

I’ve suffered with intrusive thoughts, anxiety, depression, OCD, and loneliness. The reoccurring theme, negative thoughts. Thoughts predicting the future, or worrying about something you did in the past, or fretting over things in the present. This affected me physically, mentally and emotionally.

Thoughts, and the feelings that go with them, which is really the problem, are not real. They feel real, but it’s an illusion. Your body is reacting to the fearful thought. But with intrusive thoughts the fret is not real, it feels real and that’s the downfall of many lives. The mind tries too hard to keep us safe when most of the time there’s really no danger.

Its imagination. The mind making stories up, just not very nice ones. The mind runs wild, thinking up different ways to keep you safe, stopping you coming to, or causing harm. It’s not real. Thoughts are not magic, we can’t see or predict the future. When you realise the actual thoughts don’t mean anything, they’re just imagination,  you’re half way there to getting out of the nightmare.

For me when I was thinking these things I thought it meant something like i’m a bad person. It doesn’t. A thought is just a thought, only the scary and frightening ones stick because of their meaning. A thought about hurting my child stuck because of the consequences. A thought about cheese doesn’t stick because it doesn’t matter. But its the same thing, just a thought. If you try and get rid of, or control a thought, it stays, and so begins a vicious circle. Intrusive thoughts can be any subject, but usually one that is personal to you. it could be about abuse, sexual, violence, blasphemy and many more. In everyday, run-of-the-mill-people these thoughts are normal, they just affect some people more than others.

Distraction techniques didn’t work on me, rubber bands, or trying to change the negative thought with positive ones. Why? Because by doing these things you’re telling your mind that you shouldn’t be thinking these things, there’s something wrong with your mind or character. The truth is there isn’t. most of the population have intrusive, negative thoughts. It’s just a thought. A bad one but just a thought.

You can’t control your thoughts, you Can’t!, let them pass. Accept them, let them in, and proceed with your life.

What I did, I recognised this, put it in to practice. Used my imagination to create some good. Think of all that awesome imagination that people with ill mental health have. I used it, tapped into it as source for material. Tapped into the pain. By realising it’s just a thought it takes away the fear of the thought, the fear of expressing yourself. Thus the fear of many other things like socialising and talking to people. The fear LIFTS.

With the fear gone the imagination can run wild and be used for positive. The intrusive thoughts still come, but let them, and then leave, quick as a flash, because they don’t mean anything any more.

Without the fear of your thoughts everything else can fall into place. In my experience family, relationships, friends, confidence and socialising became easier and normal. Use this crazy, brilliant imagination to good use. All these scary programs and films come from someone’s imagination. Use it, tap into the dark and step out again unscathed.

Create something masterful or subtle. The time will come when you will brave enough to show other people. The fear of being judged would have gone, you won’t care what people think. It will give people a better understanding of you, and you of yourself.

Me my outlet was poetry, what’s your passion? Unlock it use that imagination, see what you come up with…

If you suffer with Intrusive thoughts read book below, it will change your life. It did mine. I got so much out of it I wrote to the author. She told me to spread the word, so here we are…

cohttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening/dp/1626254346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536175898&sr=8-1&keywords=book+overcoming+intrusive+thoughts

 

Clean Slate

Humanity lifted high and proud
History gone, lived and learned
Mind has shifted, peace now allowed
Eyes opened, soul upside turned

Forgive makeshift will, mind was tainted
Parallel universe looped by a chain
The past picture drawn never painted
Etching smeared, washed with tears of rain

Annoyance and anger, burdening hate
Lived far cry of true person
Second childhood thoughts came late
Always sinking, a percentage certain

Whirlwind of emotion and feelings
Raw, slick, next day flood of regret
Quantity of crowds let down and reeling,
In stone the actions made but not set

Alcohol a fool’s gold amplifier
Clean body, clean slate, sound thinking
Long wait to have trust from a liar,
Fit actions and words with careful linking

With distance, social grace comes with ease,
It’s a chemical curse you can’t rescind
Helps to be forgiven though, the mind frees,
As with life? the answers in the wind

 

 

Inspiration

Whatever it is use it.

I’ve been in some very dark places where there is no way out, but alas here I am. Whatever it is use it! This imagination of ours is what keeps us down. We use it to create negative and sour happenings about ourselves turning our thoughts septic.

What worked for me to use it, create something, Poetry, painting, a story, a blog, photography, whatever feels right and for you to be able express yourself. It might awaken a passion deep inside.

In that pit of despair when you feel like doing nothing, write down those feelings, draw what it looks like, use the exact words or pictures in your head. Keep it for yourself or show people, whatever’s happening with you in that moment get it out there in the world, make it real, because when you make something real it feels like you’re dealing with it and it can be dealt with, instead of living in your head, manipulating your mind. Make it real, use it to get you to a better place.

This is what works for me. On bad days I write how I feel, being honest and true, and then use it for poetry. For me it works.

Doesn’t matter if it’s dark, it’s just imagination. Everyone has one. And depression, anxiety, OCD… etc and other sufferers have awesome imaginations. Don’t be scared of it, it comes from you.

All I can say is try, who knows what you may home up with. A deep hidden talent, or just a honest interpretation of what’s happening with you inside.

It may show a better understanding, to you and to other people.

Be inspired. Inspire yourself.

Chemistry

A women stands before me

Waiting to be kissed

We get lost in the moment

Lustful heat not to be missed

 

She surrenders to me

Breaths then pauses – stops

Knowing it will never come to anything

She’s right, she’s worth more than a night

 

One lapse of judgement

Is all she allows

Enough for conscious to peak

She pulls away – hushes my speak

 

Experienced in restraint

Recognizing the reality

What would be a lifetimes guilt

This passion of humanity

 

The responsible adult

I’m the impulsive youth

Emotionally foolhardy

She recognizes this truth

 

Still treats me with respect

Strokes my chest

A love quest, a lustful chance

Not risking hearts on a fated romance.

Mountain Boat

Questioning existence
Leads to resistance
Looking for blame
Why I feel this shame
For not being more
Living life with a crawl
With no ambition or hope
On a slippery slope
Where all are superior
I’m stuck on my rear
Looking at the others
Sisters and brothers
Who walked the walk
Cut out the talk
Got to the top
Where I had to stop
I’ve had enough
Life’s to damn tough

Hand from a stranger
No coldness or danger
Or judging or shame
No need for a name
Explanation not needed
No excuse to be heeded
Picked me up where I sat
I needed that
The journey is long
Just makes you strong
Though it took a while
Done with a smile
Now I understand
Give myself a hand
Because I’ve come so far
With many a scar
A chance to embrace
Life’s new face

Yes

Having the will to be critical and angry,
To encourage, I didn’t have the energy
Being ‘pretend’ happy got me nowhere,
Touch of sarcastic praise, ‘there there’
I shouted and shouted to seem taller,
The realism, as a person I was smaller

Anxiety closing in, please let me out
Only option left was to try and shout
Hard to describe the way I felt
Not living real, playing the hand I’m dealt
Trying to be kind, by being cruel
Ending with someone, before they end with you

The only happiness came at the end of a bar,
Ending relationships, before they got too far,
To the extent of cheating, being immature,
Did nothing for my personality, or stature
Before they see I have an anxious mind
To show my real feelings, I would be blind

Had to get out, put my sanity first,
The OCD had an unquenchable thirst
When I laughed, or played at being a brat,
My self preservation had kicked in, only I knew that
The irony is, of ending all ties,
Is turning to drink, who Fed me all lies

I was lonely alone and I needed out
Put a pin in my pain and please bleed me out
Pretty much treated everyone the same,
Looking to leave you, looking real lame
If I let you down I have no excuse,
apart from wanting to be a full time recluse

OCD, anxiety, depression, I could go on
Not for sympathy or any attention,
After 30 years now my script is my own,
The mind dictator, has been disowned
A sea of uncertainty for years I swam,
Haven’t drowned yet so here I am,

My life was a pebble, buried in the sand
With help I was excavated safely to land
Allowed to sit in the sun and shine
I can be myself with no invisible whine
So though in the past, I did act very strange,
a little understanding would be good, coz believe me I’ve changed.

Time Stood Still

In the darkness, the path seems clearer
Blinking eyes makes time come nearer
History passes like a camera flicking
Slowly watching it pass in a series of ticking
Usually imagined futures are bleak
Try to endure, just a sense of a peak
I see figures faded, wrapped up in time
Shaky blurred muttering in a speechless mime

Given the grace of the family I craved
Raw emotions, anguish, new paths this paved
Numbing of the mind, then and this hour
Powering like the sea, turning memories sour
Holding my head, feeling balanced and brave
Yearning to leave a legacy before the grave
Bringing life into a disconnected mind
Logic and emotion together combined

The heart gets stretched like skin on a hand
Pushing the blood, like water through sand
Fighting like a stag to hold onto the present
Losing my reality, losing my essence
The people we love, and those we’ve told
Still can’t understand the shape of this mould
If time stood still, and all that was left was the night
Would this be bliss? Not having to see, not having to fight…