The Flood

Back and forth in doorways
Three o’clock deep in the night
In and out my body swayed
Not sleeping to I felt just right
Turning lights on and off
Turning taps so much tighter
Wearing six tops in summer
Staring at a torch, turning it brighter
Under all these layers this is me
I’m no different, I just have OCD

Not stepping on the carpet
Paining myself and cutting my hair
Putting clothes on again and again
The same ones for a week, I have to wear
Light switches too and thro’
Washing rehashed and flung about
Walking backwards on the football field
I’m saving the world ain’t no doubt
Under all these layers this is me
I’m no different I just have OCD

Not able to read or write normal
Repeating words and crossing off
Having compulsions in school exams
Having to blink, having to cough
The school tie was pulled up tight
Along with the top button on my shirt
Couldn’t breath and sweated badly
Doesn’t make sense, it really hurt

A Life dictated by numbers
With fear, dread and impending doom
Imagination susposed to be a gift
But for me more like a living tomb

No-one ever asked, people’s reality different to mine
Became an expert in hiding, so bittersweet divine
Stuck in an endless, ignorant cycle of fright
Cant love, leave,or live until the feeling feels just right.

Numb Num3er5

OCD is all about intrusive thoughts and uncertainty. Compulsions ease the anxiety, short term.

My compulsions are all about numbers, doing things a certain amount of times. Of course numbers are infinite and have no magic powers, so it’s just a never-ending cycle of illusion and comfort.

Numb Numbers

6 was the magic number
Or was it 3 and 12?
Always stuck to evens 4,8,16
But odds I sometimes delved
13, 23 filled me with dread
10’s good but 5 is great
Why not Friday 14th instead?
3’s nicely rounded, so is 8

666 is evil, but it’s an even number
Confused what I’m doing this 4
Bakers dozen shouldn’t be allowed
999 no help at all
A multiple gift that comes for 3?
20, 25, multiply and subtract
6 and 9 are upside down,
Leap year not sure how to react

60 mins, 60 seconds, why not 100?
19:24 is a digital clock pain
5 gold rings and checking things
13’s unlucky and 7’s fulls of vain
4, 8, 12, straight flush
The perfect number, where’s it 2?
School maths, a 45 degree nightmare
3 × 3 trigonometry, had to see it through

Why 3 pigs and 3 bears?
7 years bad luck or magnificent?
1 never seems ever enough
And what’s after 100 percent?
Adapt, arrange, ÷ on repeat
3, 6, no improvement with evolution
With OCD no matter the equation,
The answer is never the end solution.

Redemption

I’ve always been a fan of Angel, the spin off from Buffy. This is because I like the idea of redemption and being able to fight for it, and in the end earn the worth for forgiveness and live normal again.

The problem was I felt like I was fighting for redemption trying to rid my curse, and the truth was I’ve done nothing wrong, nothing at all. My intrusive thoughts and my anxiety was making me feel this way. Making me feel I’m a horrible, terrible, person that deserves no happiness.

So I had these feelings that I need forgiveness, from others and myself. This was just an illusion, my mind being over cautious to keep me safe. Paradox anyone?

Along with my obsessive nature I became obsessed with the idea, fight the good fight and lose the bad thoughts. How did I fight the good fight I hear you say. By staying in, staying away from people so I couldn’t hurt anyone or do anything wrong (Angel after he regained his soul) Not that I have before or since, but my thoughts and my feelings were telling me that, to keep me safe, and then in the end maybe some divine intervention will make the thoughts go away.

Yeah right, I just ended up in solitude with a can of beer watching television every night wasting my life away.

Learning about intrusive thoughts helped me out of this, and deep down I knew the thoughts were overacting.

What it did help me with though was looking at other people. Giving other people a second, third chance at redemption. With my alcoholic parent, I knew she was a good person, had a good character, it was just the drink that made her horrible or illusive. I kept giving her chances and now she’s the best Mum and Nan in the world.

So empty redemption, searching for it when there’s no reason, that’s what intrusive thoughts can do. But thoughts and feeling are not facts, it was my reactions to them that was the problem. It’s your character, your choices in life that define you.

But life is full of second chances and offering one to someone can make all the difference in their lives.

After all we all have our demons, it’s just some are real and some are imagined. Sometimes Its hard to decide which is worst.

Up

Words are the heartbeat of the mind
The conscious shuts off to the world
though not blind
you see all and everything
above all you see
The beauty in others
and yourself
face to face
there is no disguise
because where the soul shines through
and cannot lie
is through the eyes

Chris

Mental health poetry

To be Loved

Choose life or a peaceful solitude,
But need sometimes outweigh the plan,
Passion is life pushing boundaries,
Obsessed with beauty held in hand

Sleepless nights and wandering,
The hunger seems to turn to greed,
When hit with beauty, can’t hold back,
Living with urgency excels the need

Usually hiding, now seen with you,
To miss a day seems a waste,
A retaliated look plants the seed,
Nights last kiss a long-lasting taste

Physical and mental restraint,
Jealousy raises its moody head,
Especially in younger years,
Fight or flight, I always fled

Options of being alone, no drama,
Paranoia, begin to question all,
How can they possibly love me back?
Have to trust, catch me if I fall

Vulnerable for all to see,
Willing to fight friends for no reason,
Becomes the forefront of life’s meaning,
Could burn the world and commit treason

Amazing what the soul will do,
A desperate heart begs and pleads,
Past thoughts act as an emotional bully,
Silently fight on as the soul bleeds

If you care then set them free?
Not natural to let life soar above,
If the pull is strong and you believe,
Never let go of that one true love.

 

 

 

Link

One of my poems ‘Dark rainbow’ that I’ve yet to put on was selected in the top ten for The ‘Poetry Space’ 2018 Summer showcase.
Follow the link to view, thank you

http://www.poetryspace.co.uk/2018/05/summer-showcase-may-05-2/

 

Chris

 

Worn out

Worn out

Why does have to be called Obsessive?
It makes it sound scary, odd and weird,
People nod when they hear mental health,
Mention obsessive they soon disappear,

Ignorance and unknown combine very well,
The obsessing makes you seem like a stalker,
The fixation is on something not real,
A complete unravelling life disorder

It’s true my mind stays focussed on one thing,
See it through to the point of destruction,
It can affect everyone that’s close to me,
But only through frustrated eruptions

So tell me what is OCD?
To be honest it’s hard to explain,
Poisons all good parts of your life,
And plays it over, again and again

A debilitating illness that’s in the top ten,
Scary to have and hard to make clear,
Addicted to a mystery disruptive routine,
Each obsession wipes away another year

Writing this last verse became an obsession,
All day thinking if it’s the right message I’m sending,
I guess when it comes to obsessions and compulsions,
There never really is a proper certain ending.

 

More a rant than a poem. Why does have to be so disruptive, it’s so painfully draining?

Sometimes it’s good to get out into words and be able to relate to it, and touch upon the emotions afterwards, when I’m in a good place.

That’s the thing about recovering you can tap into these dark cold places without getting stuck there. It’s easier to just look back and reflect with no fear of downward spiralling, or getting caught in the trap. I hope you enjoyed it,

Chris.