Redemption

I’ve always been a fan of Angel, the spin off from Buffy. This is because I like the idea of redemption and being able to fight for it, and in the end earn the worth for forgiveness and live normal again.

The problem was I felt like I was fighting for redemption trying to rid my curse, and the truth was I’ve done nothing wrong, nothing at all. My intrusive thoughts and my anxiety was making me feel this way. Making me feel I’m a horrible, terrible, person that deserves no happiness.

So I had these feelings that I need forgiveness, from others and myself. This was just an illusion, my mind being over cautious to keep me safe. Paradox anyone?

Along with my obsessive nature I became obsessed with the idea, fight the good fight and lose the bad thoughts. How did I fight the good fight I hear you say. By staying in, staying away from people so I couldn’t hurt anyone or do anything wrong (Angel after he regained his soul) Not that I have before or since, but my thoughts and my feelings were telling me that, to keep me safe, and then in the end maybe some divine intervention will make the thoughts go away.

Yeah right, I just ended up in solitude with a can of beer watching television every night wasting my life away.

Learning about intrusive thoughts helped me out of this, and deep down I knew the thoughts were overacting.

What it did help me with though was looking at other people. Giving other people a second, third chance at redemption. With my alcoholic parent, I knew she was a good person, had a good character, it was just the drink that made her horrible or illusive. I kept giving her chances and now she’s the best Mum and Nan in the world.

So empty redemption, searching for it when there’s no reason, that’s what intrusive thoughts can do. But thoughts and feeling are not facts, it was my reactions to them that was the problem. It’s your character, your choices in life that define you.

But life is full of second chances and offering one to someone can make all the difference in their lives.

After all we all have our demons, it’s just some are real and some are imagined. Sometimes Its hard to decide which is worst.

Up

Words are the heartbeat of the mind
The conscious shuts off to the world
though not blind
you see all and everything
above all you see
The beauty in others
and yourself
face to face
there is no disguise
because where the soul shines through
and cannot lie
is through the eyes

Chris

Mental health poetry

To be Loved

Choose life or a peaceful solitude,
But need sometimes outweigh the plan,
Passion is life pushing boundaries,
Obsessed with beauty held in hand

Sleepless nights and wandering,
The hunger seems to turn to greed,
When hit with beauty, can’t hold back,
Living with urgency excels the need

Usually hiding, now seen with you,
To miss a day seems a waste,
A retaliated look plants the seed,
Nights last kiss a long-lasting taste

Physical and mental restraint,
Jealousy raises its moody head,
Especially in younger years,
Fight or flight, I always fled

Options of being alone, no drama,
Paranoia, begin to question all,
How can they possibly love me back?
Have to trust, catch me if I fall

Vulnerable for all to see,
Willing to fight friends for no reason,
Becomes the forefront of life’s meaning,
Could burn the world and commit treason

Amazing what the soul will do,
A desperate heart begs and pleads,
Past thoughts act as an emotional bully,
Silently fight on as the soul bleeds

If you care then set them free?
Not natural to let life soar above,
If the pull is strong and you believe,
Never let go of that one true love.

 

 

 

Link

One of my poems ‘Dark rainbow’ that I’ve yet to put on was selected in the top ten for The ‘Poetry Space’ 2018 Summer showcase.
Follow the link to view, thank you

http://www.poetryspace.co.uk/2018/05/summer-showcase-may-05-2/

 

Chris

 

Worn out

Worn out

Why does have to be called Obsessive?
It makes it sound scary, odd and weird,
People nod when they hear mental health,
Mention obsessive they soon disappear,

Ignorance and unknown combine very well,
The obsessing makes you seem like a stalker,
The fixation is on something not real,
A complete unravelling life disorder

It’s true my mind stays focussed on one thing,
See it through to the point of destruction,
It can affect everyone that’s close to me,
But only through frustrated eruptions

So tell me what is OCD?
To be honest it’s hard to explain,
Poisons all good parts of your life,
And plays it over, again and again

A debilitating illness that’s in the top ten,
Scary to have and hard to make clear,
Addicted to a mystery disruptive routine,
Each obsession wipes away another year

Writing this last verse became an obsession,
All day thinking if it’s the right message I’m sending,
I guess when it comes to obsessions and compulsions,
There never really is a proper certain ending.

 

More a rant than a poem. Why does have to be so disruptive, it’s so painfully draining?

Sometimes it’s good to get out into words and be able to relate to it, and touch upon the emotions afterwards, when I’m in a good place.

That’s the thing about recovering you can tap into these dark cold places without getting stuck there. It’s easier to just look back and reflect with no fear of downward spiralling, or getting caught in the trap. I hope you enjoyed it,

Chris.