Changes

The mind is adept at its own pretence
When a foreseeable ending claws at its sense
Rapid spate of change is hard to allow
Crystal clear thoughts deviate from the brow
An uncontrolled destined moment in time
Perspectives of honesty bring up the divine
Amnesiac spaces previous and after
Brings the transition not nearer nor faster

Change sparks defence to raise fully clad
Denial, like a sane man humouring the mad
A rapid such ending wretches the soul
Pulls what we possess to never let go
Our sleepless gut instinct repulses the last
Repelling an echo of struggles near past
For even the efficient an ending feels strange
A limbo state not desiring to change

An unconscious unknown steadily beckons
Lifetime of intake, although its just seconds
Confusion is ripe though doesn’t persist
Without endings your presence wouldn’t exist
On ponder a moment which presents a choice
An alternate view to retain a lost voice
Reflect to proceed, an perceptive mind wins
Determine an ending, is where a new first begins.

Treading Water

Choose to climb
and escape the stone walls
that close in
like a dampening breath to the neck,
The goosebumps are real
coldness can’t be faked
neither can the dread which creeps from below,
Move or perish
from the hesitant pause
that captures indecisive minds
freezing the will to submission.
So climb,
Or leave it to fate,
Let go and fall in to emptiness
become weightless in body and mind,
Float down star shaped
with eyes unable to close
as you look upward bidding farewell
to life,
part of the punishment of surrendering to hell,
Light dissolves in seconds
free falling in to darkness
to an eternal expanse.
Deviant whispers from nowhere
keep you from sleep
and peace,
A choice to make,
Fall and drown forever as a prisoner
or climb and fight.

Dreams

Dark shadows stretch out where I lay,
A calm warmth surrounds where I slept,
Making adjustments between night and day
A thousand times, I’ve laid here and wept

Eyes half wide, checking my life’s place,
Feelings of content without any cares,
My dreams are a sanes person’s reality,
My reality is people’s kind of nightmares

Look forward to the night, a place to escape
Where happy memories bubble and ferment,
During the seemingly split second break,
An awaken alarm feels like torment

Nerves in stomach from hitting the pillow,
Looking forward to sleep, but not waking,
An invisible nights story lights up my life,
Awoken from peace, anxiety in the making

Another paradox of this infinite cycle,
A taste of something pure that never stays,
Wish this reality would switch around,
Where peaceful nights, turn into peaceful days

Redemption

I’ve always been a fan of Angel, the spin off from Buffy. This is because I like the idea of redemption and being able to fight for it, and in the end earn the worth for forgiveness and live normal again.

The problem was I felt like I was fighting for redemption trying to rid my curse, and the truth was I’ve done nothing wrong, nothing at all. My intrusive thoughts and my anxiety was making me feel this way. Making me feel I’m a horrible, terrible, person that deserves no happiness.

So I had these feelings that I need forgiveness, from others and myself. This was just an illusion, my mind being over cautious to keep me safe. Paradox anyone?

Along with my obsessive nature I became obsessed with the idea, fight the good fight and lose the bad thoughts. How did I fight the good fight I hear you say. By staying in, staying away from people so I couldn’t hurt anyone or do anything wrong (Angel after he regained his soul) Not that I have before or since, but my thoughts and my feelings were telling me that, to keep me safe, and then in the end maybe some divine intervention will make the thoughts go away.

Yeah right, I just ended up in solitude with a can of beer watching television every night wasting my life away.

Learning about intrusive thoughts helped me out of this, and deep down I knew the thoughts were overacting.

What it did help me with though was looking at other people. Giving other people a second, third chance at redemption. With my alcoholic parent, I knew she was a good person, had a good character, it was just the drink that made her horrible or illusive. I kept giving her chances and now she’s the best Mum and Nan in the world.

So empty redemption, searching for it when there’s no reason, that’s what intrusive thoughts can do. But thoughts and feeling are not facts, it was my reactions to them that was the problem. It’s your character, your choices in life that define you.

But life is full of second chances and offering one to someone can make all the difference in their lives.

After all we all have our demons, it’s just some are real and some are imagined. Sometimes Its hard to decide which is worst.

Up

Words are the heartbeat of the mind
The conscious shuts off to the world
though not blind
you see all and everything
above all you see
The beauty in others
and yourself
face to face
there is no disguise
because where the soul shines through
and cannot lie
is through the eyes

Chris