Loneliness

Feelings of emotional pain are the same for the mind as physical pain. Toothache sends a clear message to the brain that it hurts. Its the same for the victim of emotional pain.
In my experience the biggest emotional pain was loneliness. It sent the biggest to my brain that, ‘Yep this is bad, I don’t want to be here, lets go’

Being alone is different to feeling alone. I like being alone, bit of space, bit of quiet do my thing. Sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance, but either way I like my own company. And sometimes being alone can make you crave for some company, but it’s not a feeling of despair.

The most despairing feeling for me was the feeling of loneliness. In a room with friends or family and feeling totally alone, like no one understands me, I shouldn’t be here, or I don’t belong. I started questioning if I was living in a different time or the wrong dimension. And yes, I looked it up to see if it was possible.

The feelings came from me. I’ve seen quotes online saying that ‘it’s the people around you that make you feel alone’. For me this wasn’t the case. The people around me were just engaged with others, being social. The problem was I rarely engaged first, due to fear of being rejected.
If I engaged and got nothing back or a throw away comment, this would confirm my fears; that I’m totally socially inept and ‘Why would anyone engage with me I’m a loser, a no one. In the end I would usually bolt and leave, which in affect is avoidance, which is the worst thing you can do with any mental health issue.
I would be sat at home feeling even more alone and confirming to myself my fears were true.

It was no one else’s fault. the feelings came from me:  me alone. I still remember the feeling. It stays with you. It’s the lowest of the low.

It was an illusion though. My thoughts and then my reaction (emotions) that followed made me feel this way. The people around were not purposely horrible or ignoring me, they were communicating. It was just a panic that hit me with the first few seconds of silence.
Alcohol helped to loosen me up, but it could go the other way too.

I usually stuck to a close friend or my brother so I’d have a least one person to talk too. But if they went to the toilet I’d feel lost, helpless, alone.

Today I’m not so bad. I don’t drink so I know my feelings and emotions I’m receiving are real, so I can deal with them. I just try to chill, look around me and relax.
With a relaxed mind I’ve looked to see a few other people on their own looking about, it happens. I’m not alone in being alone, physically or mentally.

These days if I’m left on my own I get my phone out to have a look (Who doesn’t), it feels like I’m interacting with someone (Which I’m not) and it gives my mind a distraction and something to do. If it helps use it, but I do try just to be in the moment and relax.

In my experiences with mental health the feeling of loneliness was the worst to for me to deal with. I felt like I was a loser, and that others were thinking that too, because I was being quiet and evasive.
I think recognising it was an illusion was my biggest saviour.

It’s a horrible debilitating feeling that stays with you.

If you see someone at a party sitting alone or looking uncomfortable, go and talk to them. They probably wont make the first move, but that doesn’t mean their not interesting, their probably just trying their hardest to stay.
It can across as arrogance, most of the time it’s nerves.

I used to love it, people making conversation first, it gave me a feeling of relief and a great distraction. It also helped dispel the myth I was telling myself about being worthless and uninteresting.

First step, like yourself, like being in your own company and relax, the rest will follow…

 

Loner

I’m not a fighter I’m a lover
But in my head I have to fight
Life is better shared with another
I’ve had that feeling, though very slight

Always been different, full of worries
I stand alone in a pit of despair
Don’t remember any happy memories
Though my blank look shows me there

A loner at birth, or fun scared away
Upbringing can slowly take away pieces
Fear and worry lurked on the fray
Not good news for a sociable species

Hard being alone with a family
Each day is guilt and pretence
I avoid as much as they allow me
To young minds it makes no sense

A social night is a passage of grief
Many let downs I’ve yet to atone
Invited feel nervous, not invited relief
Because in my head I’m always alone.

Blurred Senses

Spinning the wheel, the reaper misses
A spectral hand pulls and kisses,
With poison lips and endless throat,
Drags you from a lifeless boat
To a place that reeks of bad sanitation
Blessed it’s all in my imagination
Suppose it’s real? but distant are my senses
Anxiety guards take charge, barriers and high fences,
To grasp back the fearing constant scream,
That causes nerves, if only a dream
Tosses and turns, fashions the body to react
If it’s in all our head, is our heads intact?
I see, hear, touch and occasionally feel
Thoughts are thoughts, whys this so real?
Stood still in the cold, wear wet as a crown
Eyes glare at fill line, gaping to drown
Wake up you fool, no more I can bare!
Reality hits of the still waking nightmare.