In the wind

Interpretation becomes a feeling,

The Emotions melts the barriers of translation,

Translates to an emotional healing.

Time moves slower

When you’re not near,

Though this is always

There’s hope you’ll appear

A letter, photo or a silent whisper

Reaches out to bring me nearer

Words that touch the soul from the inside,

I feel when you read me, I can’t hide

Emotions felt from written words Transferring to me, thoughts of beauty, love and hurt

Holding hands through the mind,

An invisible rapture

bringing our beings to travel,

and be forever entwined

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Hold my Hand (listen up)

Born cold, naked, alone and reeling,

External voices give love and feeling,

Assigned guardians protecting the soul from danger,

Only listeners now are the professional strangers,

Comes a time when there’s no understanding,

Racing thoughts free falling, never landing,

A loneliness leading to a fatal event,

Humans need to evolve, to see and prevent,

Exaggerated smiling a mask of pretend,

Pre-planning inside how and when it will end,

False empathy feels the rebound of shock,

Tears fall from deaf persecutors who mocked,

Surrounded by intelligence and warm blood,

Who have time only, for their own emotional flood,

Helplessness binds tight, held with no strap,

Doors of life closing on this too frequent trap,

An unanswerable question the finger of blame,

Just decided somewhere, time to extinguish the flame,

Silence crying out for any intervention,

Signs abundant that displayed the intention,

Too blind to see? Too many to mention,

History won’t reverse for any redemption,

With only benign friends left on the shelf,

No-one to listen, can only turn to yourself,

Which can only lead to a toxic affair,

Ending fatally with a still deathly stare,

From a corse cold slab, made of stone,

Here lies the final image, of feeling alone.

Fight, Flight or Freeze

Sometimes panic sets in and you feel yourself sinking in the moment. Before surrendering fight to escape the feeling, don’t get trapped, accept the thoughts, watch them float by and proceed…

Take Flight

I wish I could stop the panic
rendering us frozen,
A shadow cast whole on the outside,
on the inside broken,
A deep pit feeling of relinquishing control – don’t,
It’s an illusion of our creation
convincing the soul to submit to the empty
and collapse,
In this moment flee,
for I know and see,
If the focus diminishes
and the grasp of horns
clutches at the chest
causing the body to surrender
then the fear has won,
Don’t let it, breathe in the pain
and run

Naked…

When did it become essential
above all else,
to reach our potential,
Is it this failure
that draws us into depression,
Our own harsh judgement,
with no soft sides
or compassion,

We look in the mirror
scowling and staring
at our own image
forever comparing
to our sisters and brothers,
We are a force to ourselves
with a soft heart
to others

We feel pain not beauty
it’s what holds us back,
Self made chains
tied to perfection
restraining the truth,
Well no more!
I will light the fire
that burns insecurities
transferred from youth,

Hold the flame high
shout naked for all to see,
then laugh and cry
knowing this is it…
I can be free…

Demons

I walk down this alley where the shadows make a claim,

Not sure where I’m going but the darkness speaks my name,

Left open handed with no help for a guide,

Eyesight draws a blank to the dagger by my side,

Dark becomes an enemy and the blackness blinds,

Spitting out obscenities as love and hate combines,

Impossible to stop this flow from the enemy,

Spitting out pain, screaming out blasphemy,

Still I walk like some kind of freak, Searching in hell for the soul that I seek,

Set upon verbally with emotion and scorn,

Been on this road since the day I was born,

Dispair cries out in damming distress,

‘Why doesn’t he give in to the loneliness’,

I block out the sound, use all my strength,

Fight through this painful self-made Labyrinth,

Still I trudge where caves act as a hood,

Time stands still and the Angels do no good,

Not stopping to pray, walk to nothing’s left,

Eternal damnation where peace lies in death,

Demons disperse hoping I’ll stop and relent,

Closest it comes to any kind of sentiment,

Until such weight is lifted, I’ll just fight the good fight,

Head towards the dark, because out of the dark comes light

Loneliness

Feelings of emotional pain are the same for the mind as physical pain. Toothache sends a clear message to the brain that it hurts. Its the same for the victim of emotional pain.
In my experience the biggest emotional pain was loneliness. It sent the biggest to my brain that, ‘Yep this is bad, I don’t want to be here, lets go’

Being alone is different to feeling alone. I like being alone, bit of space, bit of quiet do my thing. Sometimes by choice, sometimes by circumstance, but either way I like my own company. And sometimes being alone can make you crave for some company, but it’s not a feeling of despair.

The most despairing feeling for me was the feeling of loneliness. In a room with friends or family and feeling totally alone, like no one understands me, I shouldn’t be here, or I don’t belong. I started questioning if I was living in a different time or the wrong dimension. And yes, I looked it up to see if it was possible.

The feelings came from me. I’ve seen quotes online saying that ‘it’s the people around you that make you feel alone’. For me this wasn’t the case. The people around me were just engaged with others, being social. The problem was I rarely engaged first, due to fear of being rejected.
If I engaged and got nothing back or a throw away comment, this would confirm my fears; that I’m totally socially inept and ‘Why would anyone engage with me I’m a loser, a no one. In the end I would usually bolt and leave, which in affect is avoidance, which is the worst thing you can do with any mental health issue.
I would be sat at home feeling even more alone and confirming to myself my fears were true.

It was no one else’s fault. the feelings came from me:  me alone. I still remember the feeling. It stays with you. It’s the lowest of the low.

It was an illusion though. My thoughts and then my reaction (emotions) that followed made me feel this way. The people around were not purposely horrible or ignoring me, they were communicating. It was just a panic that hit me with the first few seconds of silence.
Alcohol helped to loosen me up, but it could go the other way too.

I usually stuck to a close friend or my brother so I’d have a least one person to talk too. But if they went to the toilet I’d feel lost, helpless, alone.

Today I’m not so bad. I don’t drink so I know my feelings and emotions I’m receiving are real, so I can deal with them. I just try to chill, look around me and relax.
With a relaxed mind I’ve looked to see a few other people on their own looking about, it happens. I’m not alone in being alone, physically or mentally.

These days if I’m left on my own I get my phone out to have a look (Who doesn’t), it feels like I’m interacting with someone (Which I’m not) and it gives my mind a distraction and something to do. If it helps use it, but I do try just to be in the moment and relax.

In my experiences with mental health the feeling of loneliness was the worst to for me to deal with. I felt like I was a loser, and that others were thinking that too, because I was being quiet and evasive.
I think recognising it was an illusion was my biggest saviour.

It’s a horrible debilitating feeling that stays with you.

If you see someone at a party sitting alone or looking uncomfortable, go and talk to them. They probably wont make the first move, but that doesn’t mean their not interesting, their probably just trying their hardest to stay.
It can across as arrogance, most of the time it’s nerves.

I used to love it, people making conversation first, it gave me a feeling of relief and a great distraction. It also helped dispel the myth I was telling myself about being worthless and uninteresting.

First step, like yourself, like being in your own company and relax, the rest will follow…

 

Loner

I’m not a fighter I’m a lover
But in my head I have to fight
Life is better shared with another
I’ve had that feeling, though very slight

Always been different, full of worries
I stand alone in a pit of despair
Don’t remember any happy memories
Though my blank look shows me there

A loner at birth, or fun scared away
Upbringing can slowly take away pieces
Fear and worry lurked on the fray
Not good news for a sociable species

Hard being alone with a family
Each day is guilt and pretence
I avoid as much as they allow me
To young minds it makes no sense

A social night is a passage of grief
Many let downs I’ve yet to atone
Invited feel nervous, not invited relief
Because in my head I’m always alone.